liban

if u have read my blog at all u would know i rarely talk about politics,nothing changes except for the fact that politics now has a face for me that is why it is becoming more important.

am talking about the situation in lebanon,if u r walking talking breathing human being u propably heard about the whole situation in tripoli and beirut,since i work in the news business i have long lost that edge that usually makes people "feel" for people or places,to me any massacre is all about "facts and numbers" .............till now?

i have been sick and lying in bed ,i lost my connection with the entire world until my mum walked into my room and said there were clashes in tripoli,my heart skipped a beat for a sec,for the first time i actually feel scared and worried and afraid,i dont rush to get the facts this time,i rush to my phone to contact failasoof ,my dear lebanese friend and fellow blogger,because this time liban is not news,it's people and families and friends u care about.

foe more insight on liban and what is happening check the blog of my dear friend failasoof

http://failasoof.blogspot.com/2007/05/pictures-of-destruction-in-tripoli.html

healing

i was told depression is the spiritual cancer in a way

well, i think i have been depressed for quite some time now.

i have had the worst two years any one can ever live,i'd like to say i survived but....................

am not going to talk about being sexually harassed at work,people around me just said"u r good looking,so get over it"(i dont afree with that but.....forget it),i dont even want to talk about my three failed relationships in two years coz after looking back i think GOD just said "listen,u r too stupid and trusting so there is an assembly of the worst human kind,LEARN"

GOG,i have learned,the hard way yes but i have learned and am thankful for not hating men yet(even though i do think i have every right to).

marwa rakha just said to me "all women have some things in common and most of these things are the outcome of something a man did.I hope you have healed"

marwa,am sorry to report this but i havent healed,i never did,i havent healed from relationship 1 or 2 or 3 .i get flashbacks when am working,flashbacks of moments of torment,disrespects or abuse,i find myself treating men like crap sometimes out of the fear of them being "just like the others".i get defensive when my close male friends try to hug me or kiss me on the cheek,hell i find myself turning away when my father or my only brother attempt to hug me or do something nice for me.....i know i should have healed,but i havent,what those three guy didnt realize was that i never asked to be rescued like a damsel in distress and i never asked them to "make an honest woman out of me" coz am an honest woman regardless of my marital status,my only question now is"i dont care what i asked for or if i got it,when will i ever heal?"

i need to be me again,the sweet innocent girl i used to be,if that's growing up i hate it ,i just want to heal so i dont run home crying my eyes out eveytime someone "introduces" a decent man to me.

the problem is i still feel respect and longing for a mate,that stupid feeling of "waiting for someone",not prince charming but a true man,what scares me now is that i might meet that person but scare him away....coz i have not healed.and i need to,not even for that person,for my own sanity.

i dont care if i heal,i just want my sanity back

blahhhh

ever been feeling alot like blahhhhh,am too busy to feel that way but i find myself actually making time to feel like crap,next thing i know i will be into S&M and stuff,since am all about torturing myself for causes that are really that important or worthy.

cant tolerate any more crap,over and out

inspiration and negotiation

i can never sit down for a DVD watching anymore,i usually skip chapters of the film and call it a watching and go do something else so it was really weird for me to find myself sleeping in bed to watch hugh grant and drew barrymore's "music and lyrics"

the song the characters end up writing hit a cord with me and i have no idea why but this song does describe my current state of being to the tee

here it goes

Ive been living with a shadow over my head

Ive been sleepin with a cloud above my bed

Ive been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just cant seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need them again someday

Ive been setting aside time,to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

chorus

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
Ive been searching but I just dont see the signsI know that its out there
Theres got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction, and I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart again
I guess Im hopin
you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I dont know if its real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to you
Im hopin you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that I'll be there for u in the end


the real question is why did this song appeal to me sooooooo much i cant get it out of my head,i really need to know coz it's driving me insane and/or depressed

FINE

for all of u who are emailing me and asking where I am,well,let's see

1-am alive
2- am numb
3-am creative
4- my social life is expanding by the minute
5-am loved by alot of friends and collegues and family
6-moving in between jobs AGAIN
7-sleep deprived
8-sick
9-emotionally drained
10-mentally drained


other than that......am fine,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i guess??????hmmmm

maybe i should redefine the word fine....