Out of the Closet

On Lying

2010-02-01T12:01:00.000+02:00

How do you get over yourself?

How do you move on?

Why do bad things happen to you and no one else?

My 17 year old daughter asked me this today over the phone

Mind you, I know you are thinking “how come you have a daughter who is 17 and you are only 24?”

I have held her when she was a baby, I have seen her as she discovered the world with her big bright eyes.

I have taken her to proms and helped her crash study for history and English.

And today I have seen her as her heart broke for the first time.

And I let her talk.

I wanted to comfort her but I remembered that there is a pain that cannot be comforted.

That first heart break.

That numb pain, where you feel your world crashing in a single instant,

When you cannot take it and cannot stop crying.

Where you feel that this person is the only one you can ever be with and no one else could take his place.

I wanted to tell her that there will be others, that she will love again.

That she will wear that white dress for the man she loves

But deep down I felt that I would be lying if I said that.

She will never love that way again.

She will feel love again.

But she will be cautious, hesitant, calculating, manipulating her own heart into believing things that may or may happen, things she may or may not feel.

Her scale will go up with each failure, demanding things she may or may not need.

She will be sheltered within herself ,guarded, isolated within her own broken heart.

The truth is I lied to her today, told her to calm down and forget about him, knowing all too well she will
be looking for him in the arms of every man she is with.

I didn’t want to tell her that her heart will sink when she runs into her first love. That the first woman she will learn to hate is the one he is going to marry.

As I spoke to her I regretted all my lies.

you see, for he walked in, my first and only man,my first love,my first dream, and yes, he was holding her hand and he was smiling.

After 945 days, when I had last held his hand.

My heart still sank.

And I still lied.

Oblivious Darkness

2010-01-20T16:07:00.000+02:00

There is this little humming sound coming from the space heater, it is dark yet glowing.

I nestle in your arms, not feeling protected or strong, but rather feeling serene, feeling for the very first time that I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything.

Nothing is overwhelming, nothing is pressing, nothing is urgent.

It may be dark but I can trace your smile on your face, I am smiling…from within.

Despite the fact that it is only you and me…we insist on whispering, sweet whispers that make me giggle.

No pretense, no acts, no facades…Nothing.

You , me and darkness. Sweet blissful darkness.

It is peaceful, endearing and everlasting.

You say something, kissing me and I am half listening as I fade into this other realm of warmth.

I am about to answer when something blares in my ear, I jump up in bed, it is my alarm.

It’s time for work, time to check on my mother, it is time for boredom and repetition and heartache.

You are not there, I will not call you, hear your voice or touch you ever again.

I get dressed in a hurry and go to kiss mum goodbye.

As I reach for the door, she stops me and says in the that surrendering tone “Radwa… go wash your face…You have been crying in your sleep again”
I don’t….

I don’t really think it makes a difference…I have to get over you not over my tears. Nothing can wash that away.

Just an Observation

2009-12-13T18:51:00.002+02:00

7:50 am

I wake up,groggy from the sleepless night and weakened by the pill popping.

I wash my face, I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize me anymore.

I don’t care.

I wear whatever is clean, I pick my bag, take the elevator, Said, the new doorman, smiles and says goodmorning. I mumble something in the same context and head for the cab.

There is always a begger around the corner, in 12 years, she has been there and I
have never given her money, I have always felt she is a professional one and I don’t feel right about giving money to her kind.

The Nile meets me with its still water , I always look the other way, no reason, just an observation.

Before I reach the Moneeb bridge, there is the HSBC new building, a group of Koreans are always walking inside the building, three guys and one girl, why on earth would we be hiring Asians when we have this rate of unemployment is beyond me, no reason, just an observation.

Two blocks down, a young woman is always getting into her car, she always wears short skirts, she has ugly hairy legs, I know this for a fact because the wind always blows her skirt up, she never seems to mind, I can’t find a reason, it is just an observation.

There is a bridal shop right beneath the bridge, It has beautiful dresses, the window display is changed every day, the theme is usually one color, I make a point to see the display every day, it is something that makes me smile every day, no reason, just an observation.

When I reach the building at work, I always arrive at around 8:30, I always wait for the elevator with a man who always looks me up and down in disgust, and he always steps into the other elevator or waits for the next one, I always get into the elevator smiling at his attitude, no reason, just an observation.

Eight hours of laughter, arguments and work will pass, on the ride home, I will be looking at miserable looking people trying to catch a ride home, I will be thankful for getting back to maadi, I smile when I see the nile again and I observe its water all the way home, again, no reason, just an observation.

My mum always smiles with relief when I walk in, then she tells me every single little thing that has happened when I was not there, it always irritates me, she never ceases, I never complain, I smile and I go to my room, no reason, just an observation.

I will go to my favorite café, I will play tarneeb and drink coffee, I will go to the doctor (one of them anyways), I will go home tired, and I will always stand at my building’s entrance for a moment ,at 10 pm every night, I take in a deep breath, wish my beloved trees good night, no reason ,just an observation.

I will get into bed, take my antibiotic du jour, my anti depressant du jour and my pain killer du jour, I read for 20 minutes, write for another twenty. Then sleep dreamlessly. I always do that, no reason, just an observation.

For no reason I will wake up at 3:15 and again at 6:03, no reason, just an observation.

Here is the thing, at these moments, I always think of you, just your face.

No Reason, Just An Observation

The Road Less Taken

2009-12-11T13:00:00.001+02:00

Night wraps all the trees.

The sound of my car engine fades away as I park.

Doors are shut…silence all around.

My ability to move is no longer there.

I am tired.

So very tired….3 years of pretending are finally taking their toll on me.

Robert Frost’s “The road not taken” keeps echoing in my head.

My eyes turn blurry, my knees are weak, tears begin to warm my face.

Red and yellow lights begin dancing in front of me.

I lock the car and reach for the phone hoping my parents are upstairs to rescue me.

My *I am a grown up* alter ego kicks in and the phone drops .
Silence.

More silence.

Dancing lines fade away…

I keep repeating

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference”

Failed careers, uninspired nights, words lost and emotions forbidden may still come
in the future for me.

I will know things and learn things…moments like these will come around again… I will grow tired again.

Choices will lay ahead … I will not always know what to do.

Parents will breathe down my back, society will press me even more, friends will read into my actions and take it the wrong way and I will not always know what to do.

Jobs will continue to be uninspiring, relationships unfulfilling and laughter non hearted.

Pretense will continue to rule my life and small details will continue to be taken over by me.

But I have already known my destiny.

I have chosen to take the road less traveled and that already has made all the difference.

Growing Up

2009-12-08T17:37:00.001+02:00

Lights always flicker in hospitals. Did you ever notice that?

People also get sick in hospitals.

And people realize things in hospitals.

My first hospital experience was waking up mid surgery when I was 4. I had been chasing a butterfly and I had lost my balance trying to catch it. And I broke my arm.

That day I learnt that mommy and daddy can’t take all the pain away regardless of how much they want to.

When I was 14 I had my appendix removed, I was at school , mom was at work and dad was on his way to his. He came to pick me up, took me to a hospital and decided for the surgery in less than an hour.

At the same time my mother had the same pain in the same area while she was at work and could not make sense of it until she realized it was me who was in pain and not her.

That day I learnt that the moment the umblical cord is cut between mother and child is not at birth but years later when one of them passes away.

I found out that day that saying I love you to mom is not enough and never will be.

On January 28th,2009 I learned that My Daddy is not immortal.

When daddy was taken into hospital suffering from a heart attack at the age of 55, I discovered what a lump in the throat means.

You see,when your roots are suffocated, you automatically are too.

I remember walking into the ICU, Where he was awake and smiling and joking with the nurses. I remember the heart monitor peeping. I remember his hand holding mine,reassuring me that he is alright.

Those hands that held me, soothed me and slapped me playfully sometimes, I took them in mine, canula and all and began subconsciously examining them, memorizing them.

I let him reassure me and joke with me.

I laughed out loud so that my tears won’t escape.

And my first ever moment of regret came,one of many more to come.

I regretted rolling my eyes at him.

I regretted disrespecting him deep inside me when he would not let me have my way.

I regretted going out with my friends on his days off when I knew that it won’t be a day off for him unless I was with him.

I regretted hating his protectiveness.

I regretted upsetting him and breaking his heart when I was unhappy or heartbroken.

I now remember dad’s hands ,every detail of them. I also remember his face and the light in his eyes.

I remember his scent, his movements, his touch on my hands and him taking me into his arms when I am nearly as tall as he is.

One thing I don’t regret.

Is my prayer to God that night in January.

I crept into my bed and cried myself to sleep praying to God one prayer.

“I know it is against your rules but please, just please, keep my daddy for me, I know you don’t do that”
“but please, Make Daddy immortal, would you?”

I know God won’t and I dread the day, for that day will witness my loss of faith.

Not in God, Not in Islam but in the fact that all kinds of pain will fade away with time.

Some pain does stay, the pain of letting go of your roots.

And standing on your own.

Here is the thing, I can’t stand on my own, I am still daddy’s little girl and I can’t live without my daddy.

Shoot me, soothe me or disagree with me.

But I can’t grow up this much,

No one does and no one should.

An Ode to Hope

2009-12-08T17:35:00.000+02:00

I apologize for the inconvenience I am about to bring you.

But this is not about you.

It is about me.

I am getting back on track.

I admit it.

I am loving it.

I love the creativeness, the flow of things I have always loved about myself.

I love the fact that I have come to see things as they truly are and should be.

But I have reached the end of my Rope.

I have no hope anymore.

I had hoped you would change.

That you would come to realize how much I mean to you.

That I would be the one to move on and that you would strive to reach me before it is too late.

But you are too smart for that.

You choose your moments.

You know exactly my weak points.

And then you go for them.

And my hope gets the best of me all over again.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world. Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

Well,

I have found my calling at last.

I know how hard it is going to be,

But I am going for it.

I have something to do.

I have more than one person to love and be loved by.

But I have to come out and say it.

You have taken my something to hope for.

And instead of my series of apologies. I will thank you.

For teaching me that living only on hope is a last solution.

And I still have many options other than hope.

After all, the best is not yet to come.

The best is yet for me to bring.

And believe me, I will bring it.

For you should never mess with someone who has no hope.

And dear Hope ,go bite the dust.

You never brought anything anyway

i missed this

2009-12-08T17:30:00.000+02:00

I am back people....new posts coming up very soon:-)

When you are sorry for being sorry

2008-06-25T14:26:00.001+03:00

I am sorry for the way things went...for the what I said

for what I have done.

for being the friend when I should have been the lover.

for being the lover when I should have been the friend.

for being upset when u I should not have been.

for not being upset when I clearly should have.

for crying in your arms when I should have walked away.

for loving you when I should have left.

for allowing strike one,two,three and four.

for allowing you to fail in front of my eyes.

for respecting and honoring things you never honored.

for having faith.

for having hope.

for dreaming.

I apologize for words said,emotions conveyed, and intimacies created.

I am sorry for sticking up for you when I should have turned away.

I apologize for what I was and for what I became.

I apologize for every touch,smile and heartflutter.

I apologize for the secrets I kept for you

I apologize for being the safe haven,your shelter from the storms.

I apologize for braving storms for you even when I was as fragile as a tiny twig.

I apologize for me being me and you being you.

I am sorry for being sorry for someone you should never be sorry for.

I apologize and I rest my case.A lost one.My very first losing case.

I am sorry but I will stop apologizing.

sorry

Alone In crowds

2008-03-03T14:21:00.002+02:00

am psychic..so when I saw a dream one night that was enacted down to its smallest detail the very next day...I had to freak out.

and when I freak out I do what I have been doing since forever.I run away to my grandmother's grave.Every one around me including my parents does not get what is with me and graveyards.I find it peaceful and soothing.

I ran away to my grandmother's grave today.

when I was there I ran into a distant relative of her who is at least 95 years old. she's a sweet old lady who approached me while visiting another grave in the yard (it's a BIG family).

the ironic thing was that she approached me because she thought I was grandma.

It took me almost 40 minutes to explain that my nana had died 11 years ago and that I was the granddaughter.

by that time she was giving orders to the driver to take us to the" house".though I don't think it counts as kidnapping. I called my mother who confirmed that this lady is actually a relative. and mum wished my luck. she actually said "it's exactly what you need."

anyways...I blab too much...hang in there.

every worry faded away when I saw the "house". it's that old house in the middle of "sayda zeinab".the street is an unbelievably crowded street with mobile phone outlets and everything. then I walked in holding her hand and I swear that my heart stood still for a second.I was here before,was I?I saw old times. I saw lives evolving. I saw hearts breaking and mending.people born and people gone. I saw my grandmother being wed to my grandfather almost 70 years ago.

I saw happiness and sadness and I saw life in its purest form.And I was still sad. I was more angry at myself for failing to be grateful for who I am at the age of 23.

Aunt Zahra - as I had learned from Mum - was my grandmother's cousin and best friend growing up.they had both been married at the same month. but then Aunt Zahra had traveled somewhere with the husband and they only reconnected in the final five years before my grandmother's death.

between the beautiful smells of cloves and cinnamon and the hard wood floors that smelt of old time and memories. she brought me the gift of a lifetime.she gave me a root to my existance.Amidst decaying yellow pictures.I saw that she wasn't an aging old woman after all.I look exactly like my grandmother , we even both have the same sense of humor - according to zahra-.

I sat and listened and couldn't believe it. she knew,she knew I would have a hard life and she died feeling helpless for she would never protect me.

Aunt zahra said that my grandmother knew the first time that she held me that I was psychic for she was too. she saw that I would suffer many heartbreaks and disappointments. That I would always "be alone in crowds".

in the middle of all the pictures I saw a picture of myself as a one day old baby.on the back grandma wrote in english "see zahra,ma belle radwa ,her sweetness,what I feared came true and and she's more sweet then I had hoped for."

aunt zahra refused willingly to explain..she put her hands on mine and said "you have her strength and her smile,what else could you need? you would never sleep tight until you accept who you are.why the urge to change?"

four hours later I left..went home and regretted every single minute I lost.I regretted every Gut feeling that I ignored.I regretted every sign I saw. Every card I read and pretended I didn't know. every dream I had.every tear I shed. every smile I wasted.

I regretted the fact that grandma is right.I am alone in crowds.

daddy broke his little girl's heart

2007-07-16T01:42:00.000+03:00

worst day ever (so bad i wont even bitch about it)

do u know when u feel a certain thing about a certain someone and feel a very close bond but then u feel life is sucked out of u because of the smallest thing that this person does and cant help but feel frustrated and angry and hurt even though u dont want to.

this is what am feeling now, i met someone that i knew would change my life even without being a part of it.... but that person did a little thing that i know was their right and it hurt me a little,that person didnt break my heart,i broke it myself when i allowed my stupid pride to be affected,so what? fuck pride,right? no really FUCK IT.

my mind says pride is not always an issue,but mine hurts now like a little girl who did nothing and still got a little slap on the hand from her daddy who thought she stole the cookies from the jar,he slaps her coz he had a bad day in the office and deep down he knows that it probably wasnt her and that cookies arent a big deal but daddy still broke his little girl's heart..hell,am i making any sense?

mmmm,ah,well,i handled it pretty well,i think:-(

2007-06-28T12:06:00.000+03:00

so what? how many of us can honestly say they will be all casual and cool and uninterested and swave when they see their very first love? i wont pretend that for a sec because am not. i was terribly shaken to the core when i hard his voice regardless of all the drama and the trauma and the shit, i guess feeling dont die,they are just swept under the rug and heyyyyyy....... i did ask him not to call again and i refused to see him.i ate chocolate today for the very first time in a month,i deserve the little treat,i did very good for a 22 year old single egyptian woman,thank u very much

over and out

chance encounters:when karma is a true B****

2007-06-23T12:46:00.000+03:00

i have one of the cool "golden" mobile phone numbers.it's cool,i admilt it but it has its ugly side coz when i say to a guy "lose my number" chances are he never will,coz let's face it,he can erase i from his phone but he will always remember it. so anyway,am sitting at my stupid useless worthless work,doing my thing when my phone rings"my ringtone is my favorite song of all time:micheal buble's save the last dance for me" i see a weird number giving me one of those ugly unheardable missed calls where the caller is so cheap and scared of paying for a minute that the phone just lights up before u can even answer it he or she hangs up.

and THAT pisses me off more than anything,i gather my nervers.get to the smoking lounge(it's a little garden so am sure no one can hear me if i choose to speak french-if u know what i mean-)

i dial the number that called and boom,a familiar voice answers,my very first true love(yes i admit it,he was an ass,but still awwwwwe) so any way i say "it's u" and he says "and it 's u"

u know when u find urself forgetting all the shit and talking for almost an hour about nice memories and catching up on life matters.,i had one of those conversations.

AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT

(to be continued,too pissed off)

an open relationship

2007-06-22T08:18:00.000+03:00

no questions asked,i dont like my job

it doesn't make me happy

so i applied for a couple more and got a call back for an interview

the guy"future manager if i took the job" is a very handsome slick thirty something year old guy,i have to say he is good at what he does(work wise at least) but then in the middle of the conversation he says"oh,u have a mole on ur left cheek"

me: blank exprssion

him: that's a sign of intelligence and creativity

me: (thinking) since when?

him: oh,u dont know that?

all the time am thinking,what the hell does that have to do with the freakin job?

so anyway,i come back for a second interview knowing that he wont be my direct manager and while we are chatting i discover he has been to school with my best friend,naturally he picks up the phone,dials her number and says all the blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh about me being there and that the three of us should go out for coffee today,my best friends agrees (to be fair,she didnt know that i hated the guy's guts)

so she arrives at the office in 30 min.and we go to a nearby cafe

- i know am blabbering but hang in there-

we talk about crap till i gather the nerves to ask him "are u single or seeing someone?"

and he says "in an open relationship"

me:"ha?"

him: "u know,i have a girlfriend and i love her in a way and she too but we are not exclusive,i see other people and so she is but she doesnt have the right to sleep around u know,that part is for me"

ok ok ok,i tried my best not to slap him until i get to the bottom of this

so my best friend asks: we dont understand,r u in a relationship or not?

him: we are.it's just not a typical relationship.

me: so u sleep with whomever u want and she cant. but she "sees" other people if she wants,u mean she dates others?

him: if u choose to put it that way.but it's deeper than that.

me: i dont see the depth

the end

after him leaving (thank god)

i ask my best friend about that statement and she says she hears about it all the time,am sure it's all my fault coz where i live in mars there are no relationships,just red earth

i believe that relationships are all about two things :responsiblites and rights

if u do one u get the other,in an "open relationship" the guy gets all the rights of a boyfriend without any of the responsiblities,for a guy,that's perfection,no more jealousy or seriousness or when are u meeting my parents or am pmsing and need attention or i have a problem at work and need u,just a plain booty call relationship if u may

my only problem is: call it what u will,just dont call it a relationship: please

btw,i didnt take the job?: guess why ???

deserve ? what is that?

2007-06-21T09:22:00.000+03:00

huh.mmm,well.............. (looks around)

what is deserve again?

dont get me wrong, i do not have self esteem issues,i know what am worth,am just in a state of life where i literally lost track of who i am.i dont mind that,i really dont,i reached a point where i stooped and am looking around for who I am ,what i want and the way to get there.

when amre said "go out and look for what u deserve"

i freezed for a moment,because that's the problem,am not sure of who I am and he is asking me not to only know who i am but to go get what i deserve as a person,here's the thing..... i dont know

i just dont know..all i know is am always out,always talking and always working but am i doing or becoming what i want...............hmmmm

(to be continued,busy finding self)

my 100 percent

2007-06-15T08:06:00.000+03:00

so i have 3 hair dressers ,not 1 ,not 2 ,THREE,one is for cutting my hair and getting it done on special occasions or whenever am in mohandsine(i live in maadi) and the 2nd is this really old guy who blow dries my hair wheneve am in a hurry or not in the mood for making a fuss and the third one is a female hair dresser who owns her own shop in maadi,she's cool,gives me great hair if i want to go out on a normal day or something,

i was going out with friends yesterday so i went to her first,so we are gossiping as usual when she tells me something

she says: "you know the theory of 100 percent ,right?"

big blank on my face

she says: "u know,god gives each one of us a full 100 percent,compiled from luck,money,beauty ,love and intelligence.it's just that they are not given in equal portions,so no one is happy fully but at least they get a piece of eveything".

so i ask her "u have known me for almost 2 years now,how do u think my 100 percent is compiled ? "

long pause,hair blower stops.......

finally

"u have 40 percent beauty and wit,30 percent smartness and money,20 percent love from from ur family and friends and the other 10 percent is ur sense of humor" and i asked

"mmm,what about luck?" and she looks at me in the mirror

and says"to be honest i dont think u have any,i have more than a thousand women who come to me for getting beautiful and u r the only one who never complains or bothers about her skin or her body or hair,it's because u r trully beautiful from the inside and out,honey.... u have no luck and i dont think u should mind that,no one gets 100 percent from equal 20 percents,i can introduce u to many women who would give anything to be u,be thankful and dont change,luck is the only thing u cant work hard at getting, i know for a fact u will end up with someone who dont deserve half the princess u are,my advice to u,dont feel bad,just use that smartness god gave u and choose the best out of the worse"

great,i dont have the only thing i cant earn,but I'm thankful for what god gave me,even if i know that i may not get to be held by a man who trully loves me and feels pride of being my man,i dont mind growing alone,i just hate the look of diappointment when my parents read the same prophecy into my eyes,i hate breaking their hearts but there is nothing i can do ,i have had my 100 percent regardless of what is in them,i have had them and i am thankful and silent.

over and out

a blessing in disguise

2007-06-14T10:14:00.000+03:00

i ventured out of my shell this week,i went crazy and decided to take my best friend to alexandria for the week end

we both needed,i am stressed coz of my long time illness (which i wont discuss) and coz of needing to heal emotionally and of needing to leave my toxic job

she needed coz she just broke up with a bf and just left her work so u can see we made the perfect company together

we planned on wednesday and left thursday morning in her car

alot of things happened,and not all of them were good but int hose two days i learned alot about my self and about my best friend......

i learned there is something about me that inspires sex,dont know how and why,i dont even consider myself sexy and i definitly dont dress provocativly but obviously there is something,what i learned was it is not something i want to change coz basically it's not my fault,why change something u didnt do,and am not even going to feel guilty anymore for men's shortcomings and misconceptions when it comes to sex

i also realized am way too sweet and i care way too much about other people's feeling forgetting my own

i have also realized that whenever god closed a door in my face he ALWAYS opened another one for me.i just never looked around.

when i was going through my past hurtful relationship i was so pissed off and hurt that i disregraded the fact that i just met her "that best friend" and believe me,she turned out to be perfect for me in every way,we finish each other sentences (which is hilarious at most times) and she doesnt mind when we fight to the extent of F words obly to laugh two minutes later and hug and kiss,

what really makes her what she is for me is the fact that she would never sell me out for fun or men,she would much rather drive around with me talking about nothing then going out with cute men and flirt,

she wouldnt mind hugging me tight and rocking me to sleep when am in so much pain "from the illness i wouldnt talk about"

she wouldnt mind losing 2 hours to get me showered and dressed up to the point of blow- drying my hair so that she could take me out at 3 am for a bit of night fun in alex,she wouldnt mind spending time with friends of mine i know she hates because she thought it would make me happy

dearest friend,u r trully my blessing in disguise and i appreciate u more and more every day, u have been my truly shining star even in the brightest of mornings,thank u for being u.

liban

2007-05-24T10:11:00.000+03:00

if u have read my blog at all u would know i rarely talk about politics,nothing changes except for the fact that politics now has a face for me that is why it is becoming more important.

am talking about the situation in lebanon,if u r walking talking breathing human being u propably heard about the whole situation in tripoli and beirut,since i work in the news business i have long lost that edge that usually makes people "feel" for people or places,to me any massacre is all about "facts and numbers" .............till now?

i have been sick and lying in bed ,i lost my connection with the entire world until my mum walked into my room and said there were clashes in tripoli,my heart skipped a beat for a sec,for the first time i actually feel scared and worried and afraid,i dont rush to get the facts this time,i rush to my phone to contact failasoof ,my dear lebanese friend and fellow blogger,because this time liban is not news,it's people and families and friends u care about.

foe more insight on liban and what is happening check the blog of my dear friend failasoof

http://failasoof.blogspot.com/2007/05/pictures-of-destruction-in-tripoli.html

healing

2007-05-18T10:35:00.000+03:00

i was told depression is the spiritual cancer in a way

well, i think i have been depressed for quite some time now.

i have had the worst two years any one can ever live,i'd like to say i survived but....................

am not going to talk about being sexually harassed at work,people around me just said"u r good looking,so get over it"(i dont afree with that but.....forget it),i dont even want to talk about my three failed relationships in two years coz after looking back i think GOD just said "listen,u r too stupid and trusting so there is an assembly of the worst human kind,LEARN"

GOG,i have learned,the hard way yes but i have learned and am thankful for not hating men yet(even though i do think i have every right to).

marwa rakha just said to me "all women have some things in common and most of these things are the outcome of something a man did.I hope you have healed"

marwa,am sorry to report this but i havent healed,i never did,i havent healed from relationship 1 or 2 or 3 .i get flashbacks when am working,flashbacks of moments of torment,disrespects or abuse,i find myself treating men like crap sometimes out of the fear of them being "just like the others".i get defensive when my close male friends try to hug me or kiss me on the cheek,hell i find myself turning away when my father or my only brother attempt to hug me or do something nice for me.....i know i should have healed,but i havent,what those three guy didnt realize was that i never asked to be rescued like a damsel in distress and i never asked them to "make an honest woman out of me" coz am an honest woman regardless of my marital status,my only question now is"i dont care what i asked for or if i got it,when will i ever heal?"

i need to be me again,the sweet innocent girl i used to be,if that's growing up i hate it ,i just want to heal so i dont run home crying my eyes out eveytime someone "introduces" a decent man to me.

the problem is i still feel respect and longing for a mate,that stupid feeling of "waiting for someone",not prince charming but a true man,what scares me now is that i might meet that person but scare him away....coz i have not healed.and i need to,not even for that person,for my own sanity.

i dont care if i heal,i just want my sanity back

blahhhh

2007-05-17T11:35:00.000+03:00

ever been feeling alot like blahhhhh,am too busy to feel that way but i find myself actually making time to feel like crap,next thing i know i will be into S&M and stuff,since am all about torturing myself for causes that are really that important or worthy.

cant tolerate any more crap,over and out

inspiration and negotiation

2007-05-10T10:43:00.000+03:00

i can never sit down for a DVD watching anymore,i usually skip chapters of the film and call it a watching and go do something else so it was really weird for me to find myself sleeping in bed to watch hugh grant and drew barrymore's "music and lyrics"

the song the characters end up writing hit a cord with me and i have no idea why but this song does describe my current state of being to the tee

here it goes

Ive been living with a shadow over my head

Ive been sleepin with a cloud above my bed

Ive been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just cant seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need them again someday

Ive been setting aside time,to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

chorus

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
Ive been searching but I just dont see the signsI know that its out there
Theres got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction, and I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart again
I guess Im hopin
you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I dont know if its real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I cant make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to you
Im hopin you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that I'll be there for u in the end

the real question is why did this song appeal to me sooooooo much i cant get it out of my head,i really need to know coz it's driving me insane and/or depressed

FINE

2007-05-10T10:30:00.000+03:00

for all of u who are emailing me and asking where I am,well,let's see

1-am alive
2- am numb
3-am creative
4- my social life is expanding by the minute
5-am loved by alot of friends and collegues and family
6-moving in between jobs AGAIN
7-sleep deprived
8-sick
9-emotionally drained
10-mentally drained

other than that......am fine,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i guess??????hmmmm

maybe i should redefine the word fine....

waleed shallan,an egyptian,a victim and a hero

2007-04-19T12:05:00.000+02:00

i take it everyone knows by now about the virgina tech tragedy in the us,here's a recap for all of u who didnt know.

Cho Seung-Hui , 23, a senior English major at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in Blacksburg, killed 32 people in two attacks before taking his own life.

this american from south korean origins killed two people first in the dorms of the college before proceding to kill 30 more in a class room across campus.

why is still under speculation? but what is for sure is that 3 fellow arabs fell victim to this mad man.....two of them are lebanese and one was egyptian

for more info on the lebanese victims,failasoof has created a wonderful post on his blog so please check it out http://failasoof.blogspot.com/2007/04/may-their-souls-rest-in-peace.html

as for that egyptian hero,here is an email sent by a collegue who was in the shooting .he writes to an editor about what that great man did...

"I would like to share with you some additional information that I received from a colleague in the Dept. This colleague of mine is the supervisor of a graduate student who was with Waleed in the class and survived the massacre. I should mention that the description is graphical so I apologize in advance.The student mentions that Waleed saved his life and wants to convey this to Waleed’s family. Apparently, the murderer came into Norris 206 and shot Dr. Loganathan and a number of students injuring Waleed. Waleed was sitting in the front row where he always sat. Everyone jumped to the floor after hearing the gun shots including the person narrating the story. The murderer then left Norris 206 to go to another classroom. The student that narrates the story was not shot but pretended to be dead and lay on the ground beside Waleed who at that time was only injured. The muderer then re-entered the classroom and was checking for alive victims. He had approached the person narrating the story who mentions that his heart was pounding out of fear. Waleed at that instant made a movement to distract the murderer’s attention and was shot for the second time. At that time Waleed died and the murderer left the narrator to search for other victims. Ina Lilliahi wa ina Ilayhi rajeoon."

Shaalan was married and the father of a 1-year-old son.

“He was the simplest and nicest guy I ever knew. We would be studying for our exams and he would go buy a cake and make tea for us,” Fahad Pasha, Waleed’s roommate.
The Egyptian Foreign Ministry said in a statement Wednesday that the Egyptian embassy in Washington was taking steps to fly his body home.

honestly, GOD rest all of their souls,may waleed's family find some peace in knowing they didn't lose an ordinary man but a great hero. also i would like to express my deepest sorrow and respect for the families of Reema and Ross the lebanese students who were also killed and my condolences to all the lebanese people in that respect as well.

photo courtesy of reuters.com

things(and people) that will not change

2007-04-19T09:52:00.000+02:00

i think i have some explaining to do,to myself and to my dearest friends.

the post "things that change" led people to believe that i happily move on from one guy to another and that how come i say i love them.

hmmm.well

here's the thing

am a grown up,i know things end,i know when men are being assholes and i save my heart from the heatbreak after a week or so,my longest mourning period over a person was 2 months and now i regret nothing more than those 2 months plus the 3 months i had spent with him already,i mean COME ON,he was nice and sweet but he had some serious issues,which i dont mind and i even welcome to help but he did 2 things that hurt me the most,he lied to me about something very personal am not allowed to disclose (coz am a grown up and grown ups respect privacy) the second thing was the fact that he saw someone else behind my back and that his feelings had "drifted" ....................oooooooooooooook.

i dont mind when people say they dont love you anymore.what i mind is when someone accepts me being treated that way,let me explain.

let's say X and Z are dating,then Z (the man) meets someone else (make it by chance or by will) then they go out for like 2 weeks in which Z lies to X constantly about his whereabouts and whom he is with,fast forward..... X finds out ,tears are shed,she tried to salvage the whole thing for like 3 weeks or a month when they both sit down and agree that he Z loves X and just drifted coz he has issues or whatever (and let's face it,drifting is drifting regardless of the reason)they agree to be friends,X moves on,and meets another person by chance,mentally attracted to but never in love with him (different story) then people start accusing her of jumping between men. HELL NO!

I'm sorry if i offended anyone,i dont offend people,if anyone knows me and thinks am wrong in my account of the story please talk to me and explain to me. and by the way,if a girl goes out with a guy and knows he is seeing someone else,guess what? that's the lowest thing ever,unless she didnt know the full extent of the relationship and if that's the case i fully apologize.other than that,i never offended anyone and if i did by mistake am sorry. other than that i dont owe anyone anything but myself and the only thing i owe myself id the truth which i keep hidden within myself but only vent to the world eveyonce in a while through this blog and i ain't planning to stop venting,so i don't like what i say just walk away.

ps: this isnt a direct msg to someone,anyone who reads this can understand and relate to at least one aspect of these conflicting emotions,sorry if am "blahing" too much today,am so irritated and i had to do this for my mental health which i really appreciate.

A story

2007-04-12T10:13:00.000+02:00

I have just had the weirdest email ever.....
remember my friend who committed suicide after getting raped a couple of years ago?

well, i just got an email from her brother who didnt talk to her and considered the whole thing her fault ....

it read

"dear strawberry (of course he didnt say that name) remember me? I'm**** ,the brother of ur friend ****
i need ur help, i moved into the US for good and life is going fine,except for one thing,i dream of her everyday.EVERYDAY. every time it's all about her looking at me in blame.at first i didnt know what to do but i was pissed off at how rude she is to haunt me like this when am really trying to move on(yes believe it or not,he chose the word RUDE about a person coming back from the dead) i consulted a therapist and he thinks i should finally face it after 3 years.

can u help me ?"

i replied asking him to telll me what he really feels about it and 2 days later i get the longest email in history,i chose one part coz i think it says it all.

he wrote
"when mum told me what happened she couldn't look me in the eyes,u know what a man feels when his MOTHER cant look him in the eyes,thisis the highest level of shame and guilt and anger u can feel ever. And since my mother cant look me in the eye,i caouldnt not possibly talk to the bitch who brought this on the family,what? dont feel weird,YES,i thought she was a bitch,a part of me still does,is that so bad? Anyway,i went for a walk at night and i realized something,i was walking down a quiet dark street and i realized that 2 months before that incident i took my then girlfriend in my car and we parked here,and we had sex. i could have said we made love but for me it was having sex,u know what? i think i raped her that day,she didnt want to get it done in the car and i pretended not to listen.i did what someone else had done to my sister,u know why?we think u girls deserve it with ur cute outfits and ur smiles and business faces and the look that says (whatever),we know u want that and that makes us want u"

"moving on,i just wanted to say I'm sorry,about the way my family hid it from u but what am most sorry for is not hugging my sister and telling her it's going to be fine,now after all these years i wish i could have whispered to her while she's in my arms and said 'it's not ur fault,everything us going to be fine' but that's my guilt to live with"

end of story,u think that concludes it for me? i don't but at least i respect the guy for not being such an asshole anymore,maybe there's hope for some men afterall.and to her i say,u have no idea how much i miss u and how much i shiver everytime i think of u,but that's my pain to live with and my tears to shed,i love u girl,more than i ever loved a friend in my entire life.

just say it

2007-04-07T19:10:00.000+02:00

definition"

Sexual assault is defined as any sort of sexual activity between two or more people in which one of the people is involved against his or her will.
The sexual activity involved in an assault can include many different experiences. Women can be the victims of unwanted touching, grabbing, oral sex, anal sex, sexual penetration with an object, and/or sexual intercourse.

There are a lot of ways that women can be involved in sexual activity against their will. The force used by the aggressor can be either physical or non-physical. Some women are forced or pressured into having sex with someone who has some form of authority over them (e.g., doctor, teacher, boss). Women can be bribed or manipulated into sexual activity against their will. Others may be unable to give their consent because they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In some cases, the sexual aggressor threatens to hurt the woman or people that she cares about. Finally, some assaults include physical force or violence.

I dare you if You haven't related to any scenario of the above....................................

UN fact in 1996(11 years ago,multiply that number by 3 now or something) ""Globally, men's violence against women causes more deaths and disability among females aged 15-44 than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents or war".

just a fact,please all of u out there

tell ur friends and loved ones to send stories of themselves ,of how they were treated without justice of compassion,only if we talk about we can actually stop it.just say it,loud or not,just say it

I've learned that.... (campaign against sexism in the arab world)

2007-04-02T10:39:00.000+02:00

that i do actually like myself and that i wouldn't change a thing or an event that i went through coz THAT made me what I am today

that i dont appreciate myself accordingly with the way people appreciate me. I appreciate myself REGARDLESS of the way others appreciate me.

that I can be my own best friend but that i always have to cherish the moments i spend with my friends coz they may never happen again.

that depression is fine but for 3 days at the most,life is too short to be wasted in anger.sadness of sheer frustration.

a different kind of bully

2007-03-31T22:30:00.000+02:00

In most jurisdictions the crime of rape is defined to occur when sexual intercourse takes place (or is attempted) without valid consent of one of the parties involved.
The lack of valid consent does not necessarily mean that the victim explicitly refused to give consent. Generally, consent is considered invalid if it is obtained from someone who is:
-Under any kind of duress (force, violence, or emotional blackmail, etc.)
-Judgementally impaired or incapacitated by alcohol or drugs (legal or otherwise)
-Mentally impaired whether by illness or developmental disability
-Below the age of consent defined in that jurisdiction

"After being raped it is common for the victim to experience intense, and sometimes unpredictable, emotions, and they may find it hard to deal with their memories of the event. Victims can be severely traumatized by the assault and may have difficulty functioning as well as they had been used to prior to the assault, with disruption of concentration, sleeping patterns and eating habits, for example. They may feel jumpy or be on edge. In the month(s) immediately following the assault these problems may be severe and very upsetting and may prevent the victim from revealing their ordeal to friends or family, or seeking police or medical assistance.

This may result in Acute Stress Disorder. Symptoms of this are:
-feeling numb and detached, like being in a daze or a dream, or feeling that the world is strange and unreal
-difficulty remembering important parts of the assault
-reliving the assault through repeated thoughts, memories, or nightmares
-avoidance of things -places, thoughts, feelings- that remind the victim of the assault
-anxiety or increased arousal (difficulty sleeping, concentrating, etc.)
-avoidance of social life or place of rape.

most rape therapists believe that to some people,being groped or flashed is almost an equivelant to rape especially to young girls.

did u know that if u force a kiss on ur gf when she doesnt want to be kissed is almost an equivelant for her to sexual harrasment and rape.actually any thing that is forced for whatever reason is rape. sleeping with ur wife or gf when she says she is not in the mood is rape.please rethink ur actions and feelings,u do not want to be a sexual bully?do u?

busy but bored

2007-03-31T16:19:00.000+02:00

i just started a new job,not perfect but at least i know i can be happy here till i find something better,the the thing is ..........................am bored.

I'm very bored,i work 12 hours a day,5 days a week,i started learning spanish again,am back to dieting and the gym and am writing my very first novel (among many more i hope) ,i also started this habit of going out for one hour with friends every day,but still.I'm very very very bored.it's like this other person is doing all these things while i hang out and watch,

do u think am crazy?or just overwhelmed by change?

i really do not know,am even too busy to be happy,i only have to things to feel these days,tiredness and boredom.

did you know?

2007-03-30T10:34:00.000+02:00

did you know moving on with heartbreak gets easier with time?

did you know that your real friends will appreciate just spending time with you even if sometimes u r the nastiest bitch(works both make and female ways) in history?

did you know that if a man or a woman likes another person so much they will sacrifice time and energy and money just to be with them?

did you know it's easier to make friends when u r not trying to?

did you know that u r not crazy if sometimes u just want to be left alone?

did u know that being independant is tough but it will make u a better person when u do need to depend on another human being?

did u know that liking someone without looking to marry them is perfectly fine and even more entertaining coz u dont have to impress them?

did u know that men do appreicate a girl who is not a princess and who will speak her mind ?

did you know that in 22 years of existance i learned that i do not need anyone to feel perfect,that I am not perfect and that i can be happy in the company of myself but also be glad when am in the company of good friends and family coz that is the only thing that will keep me going when things are tough?

lesson of the day : be grateful for god,good fortune,family,friends and being yourself.those things will always be yours if u choose to honour and respect them.

THINGS THAT CHANGE

2007-03-23T20:15:00.000+02:00

alot of things have changed recently in my life
Can u grow up in 4 months more than what u did in 22 years?
let's go through my changes one by one

1-i dumped the boyfriend whom i featured in a couple of entries before (no wait,i didn't tell u?) yeah,christmas party at my sister's place,turns out he's "emotionally drifted" on me with some low class chick. no biggie,we dropped out like nobody's business after one week of agony,i survived:-)

2- i met what I thought was this so-called soul mate (i know i know,stupid,ha?)

now this is a weird story,ready?

ooooooooooook,,it's a blogger,and though i wouldnt meet a man through the world of the internet,i exchanged emails with him and we established a very nice friendship that then transfered to the phone then we met outside,i have to admit i truly liked him and we started "courting" romantically.then little things started to sound weird and am a journalist so if i dont hear the truth or get answers when i need them i go insane.

u know when u hear things but they never seem to add up? that was the issue,my instincts told me to get out so my only way of doing so was to say that i didnt think we were a perfect match and guess what ?

hell broke loose,we had gone out for 45 days,and he had lied about everything,am talking age,family,where he had graduated,where he livesEVERYTHING
WELL,am not exactly a material girl......but?
i expect honesty,i dont have expectaions about rich,tall,handsome men. i grew out of that 3 years ago,i dont mind if i date a begger as long as he admits it.

now,what would u think off a person who lies about these things?

i know i know, SERIOUS ISSUES

since am not a therapist i just kept my peace and kept my mouth shut,until now.

he writes that what pissed me off was that he lied to me and that i got fooled for the first time where i thought i knew everyone.ooooooooooook

this is the difference between a stable person and a person in dire need for an a therapist and hopefull one who can perscribe drugs

YES.i admit it,i dont love him coz u do not love a person u never trusted,the only reason i was pissed is that i saw this coming and i didnt trust my guts, so there.........................

enough about this thing,will come back tomorrow i promise,as long as i get some work done

tomorrow's topic: WORK AND THE EGYPTIAN GIRL(am being silly today)

what to do? my plan

2006-12-26T23:30:00.000+02:00

i want to avenge every woman who has been mistreated in any shape or form but i cannot do that on my own,am on the verge of creating a day of celebration of all the woman who sacrificed or have been sacrificed to keep our societ intact (something who hasnt worked so far)

so please spread the word
i need all the stories and all the situations u have been through or saw as guys and girls,they will all be publishes in a special book that i will edit myself and it will also contain info on what do if u r mistreated or abused in any form
this is important
just copy and paste what i said and forward it as much as u can
please

help me make a small difference on how we see ourselves and how society sees people our age

my biggest fear part I

2006-12-21T23:21:00.000+02:00

i have learened lately that my biggest fear is survival,i fear losing the battle against those to claim i cant do what i want to do,i have so much to say,just letting out my feelings bit by bit.
Will be back

visiting the grave,A CRY FOR HELP

2006-12-11T23:18:00.000+02:00

i most confess that cemetaries interest me,i like that sheer peace u find there,i can swear that if u go to a grave yard and hang out there for a while and listen closly u can actually absorb the wisdom of generations and people that are long gone,u can find stories just by reading the headstones,u can tell what kind of a family the departed left behind.

i used to go every now and then to visit my grandparents' grave and just sit there and talk to them without uttering a single word,it felt like home some way.

i had never gone to a graveyard that belonged to some one who wasnt related to me.today it's 2 years since she died and i found myself going to her graveyard.

i knew her family dont go coz of the emotional issues behind it.and i thought she must be feeling lonely,i took my MP3 player coz i remembered how she loved metallica and had said before she died they made her feel at peace and i wanted to give peace to her even though i knew she cant listen to me then i talked and i talked and i talked for hours

i told her everything i felt about everything,
i told her about the ex boyfriends and my current lover,i told her that my knee is finally cured and that am on a diet to get back into shape
i told her about the current fashions and music and even the britney spears drama going on these days,
and i told her how much i loved her and how much she means to me,i told her how lonely it gets here without her roaming the streets of maadi with me

i told her how much it depressed me that she didnt call me on my birthday like she used to
and i told her about the rape,i attacked her and said that she should have said something,she should have came and cried into my arms and we would have found a solution for it,i told her that i know that the assholes killed her that day long before she killed herself

yes she did overdose on anti depressants and pain killers

i dont know what she went through and it pisses me off but i left today feeling stronger knowing she is at least safe where she is

i wanna do something
the only thing i can do is write
so am asking all of you out there
please tell me all the stories
all the hopes
all the anger
ask ur friends to bring me real stories about what they went through
be it harrasment,abuse or rape
speak up
i will gather all ur words and print them in a book that will also contain information on what do if u or someone u love is abused in any form
please help me,maybe we are on the verge of a revolution here.
maybe all of you will get to be a part of something so great and so important
please help for ur sake and for whatever reasons u have
just help

why i loved that man?

2006-11-27T23:36:00.000+02:00

well,failasoof pointed out something i havent noticed till now,of course not all men are pigs my father is a great man and loves my mum alot and treats all women with respect without being sleazy,that was the first male figure i knew in my life then i went through all sorts of ass holes starting the age of 12 (you could say i was an early bloomer *coy smile*) and i was begining to lose all faith and hope in finding a decent guy who loves me for who i am and accepts all my weird actions and thought (YES,i was never expecting prince william to show up at my door,i was never into finding a prince charming sort of guy)

and BAM, it happened,we met and fell in love instantly without even realizing that,now 3 months into the relationship and the only thing am proud of at the moment is him.

why?

i thought he was my closest friend ever,knows how i feel without me saying it,goes to great lengths to make small things he knows will make me happy,listens to me when i bitch about anything and then stops me when i beging to turn into a Man hating female robot,he loves for what i am and pushes me to be the best i WANT to be.oh,he treates like an equal too (mentally at least,let's face it:he picks up the check and pulls the chair for me and get irritated if i talk to the waiter-which i find cute by the way)

what i want to say is am proud of those 3 months i spent with him coz during them he did bring out the best in me.
that was more than enough.Don't u think?

btw,i haven't forgotten my friend ,i will write the rest of the story in due time and announce my course of action,wait for it.

the month of growth

2006-11-22T23:32:00.000+02:00

i apologize for disappearing lately
alot has happened that i didnt want to go through but i owe it to my self and the people who love me to talk about it
so let's see
monday the 6th of november,i wrote my blog from work then i quit
why did i quit?
well, my reporting manager made a move on me and no one believed,i was traumatic for more than a week but I'm ok now coz i know if the company tolrates this kind of behavior then it's not worth working for.
i also realized that this happens on a daily basis in egypt but goes unnoticed and unspoken of.

why???????????!!!!
i encourage every girl to take action if that happens,if u cant legally sue the son of a bitch then tell the story to others,at least that will make his life a living hell which he deserves,and remember,if anyone hits on you,it's NEVER ur fault.

will be back,have so much more to say

and please if u know anyone who has been harrassed at work encourage her to write to me,i will always be there to listen and find help for those who need it.girls stick together,right? :-)

now i know

2006-11-06T12:43:00.000+02:00

so i spoke with the mum.......

let me take u back to my friendship with her

we were gym buddies who turned into really good friends,she spoke like 5 different languages which made her land a dream job at the age of 21
i got a knee injury and couldnt work out anymore but i still saw her all the time
anyway, one day,she went to the gym around 7 am (her favorite time of the day) and were supposed to meet after work but her phone was off all day,as i said before she was distant when i met her later and remained that way for 10 days before telling me she was going to the us to get a diploma and was leaving in 3 days

she comes back from the US after 3 weeks and is frail,weak and so depressed

10 days later she dies "of natural causes"

the mum's story was this:

she said that D (my best friend) was walking to the gym and the last thing she remebers that she was walking past one of those big white delivery vans and she wakes up 3 hours later bleeding, sore with 3 broken ribs and a severed vagina outside the van,she is taken to the hospital....................

let me stop here for a second to tell u in case u havent noticed,she was multi RAPED ...to be continued....the tears-anger mix is blinding me

Do I want to know?

2006-11-03T15:03:00.000+02:00

so today the story continues,a friend of mine reads the blog and volunteers to remind of the story of a another friends who died "of natural causes" two years ago.
turns out she didnt die of natural causes like we were told. i cant say i was shocked,i remember that week when she died....she disappeared all of a sudden and her mother called us all one morning to ask us where she were,we started this search all around maadi,and 2 hours later her mum calls and says she is back and that she's ok ,and that "she lost her mobile and was filing a report at the station " so we call her later that day and no one answers,we call the next day and no one answers,anyway,we meet her like 10 days later , she's pale, distant, silent and says she's tired and has to go home,she disappeares for a week and boom....she's dead.

i have to say something was fishy at that time but we were overwhelmed by the pain of her death that we just didnt dwell on it.

turns out the mother was encourged by my blog and decided to tell me the real story behind the death of our beloved friend......

am seeing her in an hour,the question is,do i really want to know?

do i?

can u fix it?

2006-10-30T10:25:00.000+02:00

ok
so am a girl,right?
born with a set of breasts and a vagina
did i choose that? no
did i walk into "radwan el3ogel" and got myself an entire set of a "woman-pod"
no but for as long as i remember i have been prosecuted and punished for being a female
am either dressed too tight or too short or too long or too fashionable or too non fashionble
am either too slutty or too conservative it's ok for some men to flash me their organs down the street where am supposed to either scream from horror or go down on them (either reaction usually satsifies the pervert by the way)
it's normal for a guy to stare at my body or comment in the usual "2ba7a" language whenever am walking down the street no matter what am wearing or what am doing
and do u even want me to start on the whole "public transportation/public offices/or police station treatment" coz trust me i have been almost traumatized one when i had to get into "mogam3 elt7rir"to get my passport done and had to tolerate and fight over being groped or touched by almost every man on the premsis (and those men who are left usually give the once over look then comment about the slutty bitch who is not "mo7agaba" and had the odacity to be wearing pants)
that was border line ok and was starting to be the norm for me and all the women i know coz let's face it .... nothing is going to happen if u scream at the pervert and dont u dare think about taking it up to the freaking authorities coz in egypt if a girl goes to file a harrasment report she ends up being molested or raped coz she dared to walk into the male dominated sadism prone police station.
what's new is "broad day light" as in being groped and touched and sripped naked in broad day light on the street?
i am too disgusted to say more
all i remember is what a police general said 10 years ago when a girl got raped in a quiet street in maadi(my hood)
he said"u cant really blame the police or the perp ,i mean,she WAS going home at 8 pm and was wearing jewelry"
if we are in a country that doesnt provide security and blames the victim for being a victim,can u protest against anything?
they say u cant fix it if it aint broken ,can u fix it if it's butchered,neutered,and clinically dead?

el3eed far7a

2006-10-22T20:21:00.000+02:00

so am officially on holiday for like three days,happy eid to everyone.be back in 3

paraskavedekatriaphobia.do u have it?

2006-10-13T14:28:00.000+02:00

do u think i have paraskavedekatriaphobia?

no am not kidding and i didnt just invent that word
this word means phobia of friday the 13th

it's considered the unluckiest day of the year because friday is the unluckiest and the 13th day of any month is usually unlucky so imagine the two of them combined,it's a disaster waiting to happen

am not superstitious,i just dont like the freaking day,that's all

it's "khema" time,my ordeal

2006-10-09T12:17:00.000+02:00

so i went to my first khema this year,it's my best friend's birthday and i HAD to be there,
first things first...am not into noise, loudness kills me,i can have fun but in order to do that i need to hear and be able to talk without feeling my heart beating next to my teeth.
so my man picks me up- never thought i'd hear myself say that with such pride and joy :-) - and we embark on an hour and a half journey through cairen traffic and we arrive there, park,find the rest of the gang ,get our shishas(they suck) and the trauma begins.
turns out my best friend's boyrfriend thought it would be cute to get her a saad elsoghaiyar-esque band that is all about a singer and 10 dancing/drummer men who insist we all get up and dance and stuff.
my best friend dances the night away to songs like (shobra-7atgawez) and i get a huge headache besides a huge dose of cheese and corn(that is cheesy and corny).

the headache is gone but the bitterness of having to survive an ordeal like that and partcipate in that cheesiness is something i'll never get over.

to my best friend: you have no idea how much i love you
to my lover: thanks for going through that for my sake,i know u hated it more than i did
and to khema visitors: please dont do that, ur IQ drops 10 points for every hour u spend in a khema in cairo during ramadan.

it fits

2006-10-07T11:26:00.000+02:00

you know where everything feels so right that sometimes u r scared that it's all a dream and it's bound to end in some tragic way
in all my relationships i always had that feeling
i antcipated it
i waited for it
even sometimes i longed for that moment to come

until.......

until a "casual" meeting with a complete stranger brought me divinity, eternity and safety in one single moment.

where everything felt right into place and then i started longing,not longing to leave but longing to stay
longing to be around that person
to smell the aroma of his cigarettes,to enjoy to smile on his face when i walk in,to hear his sweet whisper when u picks up the phone and says "ezayek"
the way he looks at me is divine ,the moment he touches me is divine, the way we talk about everything high and divine but still manage to giggle like schoolkids in love for the first time.
in 18 days i learnt more about myself then i did for the past 21 years
now i know who i am and what am meant to be,I'm meant to write for a living and I'm meant to be with him
no wait,I'm already with him,we are already there,there's no turning back coz there's not a will to turn back.
to sum it up
I have found that person that makes me truly belive that IT FITS,we fit together and it's good.
nothing more to do,nothing more to say, It just fits..................................

why do egyptian girls rush to the "M" word ?

2006-09-19T12:36:00.000+03:00

a male friend of mine asks -90% of my friends are men.not a good motive for men to date me:-)

he says"so we are starting to get to know each other,i start to to think about acutally saying i love you and she rushes to the routine " i have a suitor coming to meet my parents" and finishes with the puppy eyed look(his words not mine)
his question is why am i feeling like am getting trapped?
mind u,this friend of mine is successful,handsome,rich,sophistcated and doesnt have an issue when it comes to marrying the right girl,his problem is why this soon?

i know i dont do this but i also know for a fact that most egyptian girls do just that. WHY?
What is the big issue of being in a rush to be married?sometimes they dont care what the guy is like as long as he is willing to "meet the parent right away"

i dont buy it and i dont know what men think when they hear that load of crap from girls.
am not anti religion and i do want to get married in my own sweet time,so why the rush?

top 10 first date mistakes,guys be careful,they are so true

2006-09-18T12:04:00.001+03:00

these are so true but very funny,tell me what u think

number 10

Being a knight in shining armor

You pick up your date and hand her a dozen red roses. “Your chariot awaits,” you say as you race ahead to get the car door for her… the first of many doors. In your world, chivalry is not dead -- it’s very much alive and requires you to open every single door for her. Well, I hate to shatter your Prince Charming dreams, but women don’t expect you to be a doorman. In fact, this can be downright annoying. Of course, we don’t want a heathen who shovels food into his mouth, talks with his mouth full and keeps his elbows on the table either. That’s just plain rude (and a major turnoff). What we do want is something in between: not a knight in shining armor or a slob, but a gentleman.

Number 9

Choosing a bad venue

You’ve offered to pick the restaurant, so which one do you choose?
a) Fast food joint
b) Happy hour at Hooters or a any night club for that mater
c) Fancy restaurant (where entrees start at $50)
d) None of the aboveIf you answered d) None of the above, give yourself a pat on the back. That’s the winning ticket. The other options serve a purpose, but they’re not appropriate first date venues. A fast food joint tells her you’re cheap, Hooters tells her you’re a pervert (even though they do have great wings) and fancy tells her you’re a show off. Women want something that’s not too cheap and not too expensive, but just right -- a place that falls in between fancy and cheap, so that it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard or that you’re not trying hard enough.

Number 8

Being spineless

When she asks where you want to go for dinner, you hem and haw and eventually say, “Doesn’t matter.” And then at dinner, you spend hours deliberating over the menu and end up asking the waitress what she recommends. Wrong and wrong. Women don’t want a spineless guy who can’t make a decision to save his life. We want backbone, we want direction, we want confidence. In fact, some women rate confidence higher than appearance and sense of humor, so make sure you show her you’ve got lots of it -- just try to avoid being overly confident to the point of arrogance.

Number 7

Getting transfixed by TV

You’re listening intently as she goes on about her sister who just got accepted to the Peace Corps and her brother who’s doing his Master’s in chemical engineering. While you’re honestly enthralled by the conversation, you briefly glance at the TV perched behind the bar for one teeny tiny second… and you get busted! You might not think it’s a big deal (come on, you barely looked), but to her it’s huge. Why? Because even though you were listening intently, she takes your sneak peek as a screaming sign that you’re not interested. There goes date number two. The easiest way to avoid the TV trap is by not picking a place with TVs in the first place, and if you do wind up at a sports bar, strategically position your chair so you won’t be tempted.

Number 6

Being too honest

Okay, so you just got out of rehab, but there’s not need to share this tidbit of information with your date (at least not if you want to see her again). I’m not saying you should lie (honesty is the best policy), but you don’t have to tell her everything. That includes DUIs, divorces, speeding tickets, minor indictments, depression meds, the fact that you still live with mom, or that case of syphilis from a couple of years back (which hopefully has cleared up). There may be a time to come clean, but it’s definitely not on the first date. At least let her get to know you first before you start dropping truth bombs. Just remember: She probably has a few skeletons in her closet that she’s not revealing just yet either.

Number 5

Constantly interrupting

She mentions that she’s been to England. You jump in to say that you’ve been too. She goes on to say that she loves Coldplay. You jump in again to say that you saw them live and they were great. Well, stop right there and bite your tongue. Yes, shared interests are a must, but there’s no need for you to keep interrupting her. Not only is it impolite, it tells her that you’re more interested in hearing your own voice than hers. Instead, wait till she’s done and then wow her with your similarities. Your politeness will be duly noted.

Number 4

Dressing inappropriately

Before stepping out the door on your big date, you give yourself the once over. Your football jersey/ball cap/shorts/flip-flops combo (all clean and wrinkle-free) doesn’t look too bad, if you do say so yourself. Well, think again. Unless you’re taking her to a ball game (which is a totally acceptable first date venue, by the way), leave your sports jersey at home. Women put a lot of thought into their first date outfit -- a lot. Heck, they probably even went out and bought a whole new ensemble for the occasion. And while we don’t expect you to invest in new digs, we do expect you not to under-dress (see above outfit) or over-dress (three-piece suitor tuxedo). That said, there are certain articles of clothing that are always off limits. These include socks with sandals, dark shoes with white sport socks, too-tight jeans and jean shorts.

Number 3

Touching on taboo topics

Just in case you’ve been living under some rock (or have been out of the dating race for a while), the taboo topics for first date conversations are as follows: ex-girlfriends, past heartbreak, religion, politics, and money. This last one is especially important because, contrary to popular opinion, all women are not after your dough. In fact, yapping about it (in particular, how much you make and how much you have), could send your date running for the hills. Show us what your worth (and I don’t mean in a monetary sense), don’t tell us about it. Same goes for name-dropping and bragging. Leave it for the locker room where it belongs.

Number 2

Staring at the waitress

It’s not your fault the waitress is smokin’ hot or wearing a V-neck down to her navel, but under no circumstance should you acknowledge this. No lingering leers, quick looks down her top or flirting. None whatsoever. First of all, no matter how discreet you think you are, your date will notice. Secondly, women want to believe that you’re with them because you want to be with them. Sure, we know that you’d opt for a Victoria’s Secret model given the chance (just like we’d take Brad Pitt any day of the week, but Gisele is just a fantasy girl. The waitress, however, is all too real. When you acknowledge her hotness right in front of our eyes, you’re showing disrespect -- a big no-no.

Number 1

Getting loaded

You want to have a good time, and more importantly you want to show her a good time, so what do you do? You order a couple rounds of tequila shots. Tequila equals fun, right? Wrong. This is not a bachelor party, it’s a first date, and whether you like it or not you’re under strict observation. Having a couple glasses of wine with dinner is one thing, but getting drunk or plying her with alcohol is another -- unless you want her to think you’re still a frat boy who hasn’t grown up. And if you’re driving, don’t even think about having more than two drinks. Safety first.

honorable mention

Texting up a stormEveryone knows that cell phones are off limits (unless it’s work-related, in which case warn your date in advance). Well, texting may not get as much air time, but it’s just as bad. It tells your date that she’s not the most important person in the room (or in your mind), and shows her that you can’t shut the world out for one measly date. If you start to go into withdrawal, you can try and sneak in a quickie while she’s in the bathroom, just make sure you don’t get caught. That will make you seem sneaky and self-absorbed. To avoid temptation, your best bet is to ditch your Blackberry altogether. Out of sight, out of mind.

question of the day,why do u stare at boobs too much?

2006-09-18T11:45:00.000+03:00

hey,i dont mind,boobs have always been a sign of femininty ,which is great BUT,why do men glance at them when they first meet a person?
that I'll never understand
what am sure of is that there are 3 kinds of men

1- men who glance at the breast area at first encounter,make the assessment :-) then move on with the conversation

2- men who constantly look at all the time

3- and men who stare at ur lips while ur talking (has nothing to do with boobs but obviously just as appealing to them)

my question is WHY?
why are breasts essential to men?
what's the freaking importance?i know if men had boobs they would kill themselves,bras are a hastle and they hurt during menstration,so what's the big deal already?

top 10 things ur GF shouldnt know about u,very funny and mostly true

2006-09-17T15:23:00.000+03:00

found this online and i think it's funny,girls and guys tell me how true this is please

here we go

Here are the top 10 things your gal should never know about you. Keep this valuable info to yourself, but remember this: If your woman can potentially find out about any of the following from another source, you might as well give it up right now. If she discovers any of your little secrets by means of an alternate party, you'll have to deal with her crap over both the information in question and the fact that you tried to cover it up.

10. Your conquest count

Look, you know how many chicks you've bagged and it's probable that some of your friends do, too. But that's where this circle of info should close. It's not necessary to give your current lover a running tally of conquests. Sure, you both want to be safe when it comes to sex. And I encourage you to get yourself tested to prove to both her and yourself that you're clean (of course, she should do the same). But there's no need to divulge numbers ‑- doing so will upset her and put you at risk of spending the night alone.

9. Your income

As a relationship progresses, it is natural that a couple grows familiar with each other's finances. But in the early stages of dating, there is a very sound and reasonable argument for playing your personal monetary value close to the vest. Two words: gold diggers. You could have the bank account of Donald Trump or the debts of Mike Tyson; either way, she shouldn't know. Let her dig you for you first. Then, if you're flush, you can buy her the stuff she likes and such. And if you're broke, she'll either ditch you because you don't buy her stuff, or she'll prove that she's a worthy character by sticking with you. So keep your Benjamins to yourself.

8. The location of your porn stash

Guys like porn. A lot of chicks do, too. There's no sense, however, in mixing up your fantasy world with the real one. As soon as your lady gets wind that you have a porn stash, there's a good chance that she'll be crying about how she has to compete with Jenna Jameson whenever she sleeps with you. And man, you do not need that kind of stress every time you want to get it on. Worse still, she could get all crazy and throw out your collection when you aren't looking. Protect your porn, and keep it under wraps.

7. Your weaknesses

Maybe you cry during insurance commercials, or maybe you aren't really as self-confident as you make yourself out to be in public. These frailties don't matter ‑- as long as she never finds out about them. If she does, she'll start making all sorts of "cute" jokes at your expense. Or the revelation that her man isn't quite the man that she thought he was will put her off of you entirely. Be strong and keep your weaknesses undercover.

6. Your strip club experiences

Do you like going to peeler bar? Enjoy watching the ladies dance around erotically for your pleasure? Want to maintain the strip club as an open option for an evening's entertainment? Then do not tell your woman that you go there. Don't even concede that you used to go regularly. She'll want to know why you like it, and how much you spend on "tips" for the girls. Even those women who claim to have no problems with strip clubs will somehow twist this habit of yours to their advantage. Simply put, this is a conversational road you do not want to go down.5. Your weirder fantasies
Certain fantasies should be shared and enjoyed together. But you may be into freaky stuff that she just wouldn't understand. Maybe your sexual fantasies involve garden tools or shellfish, and you're just not sure if your lady will appreciate them. Well, there's a good chance that she won't. There are certain daydreams that you and your imagination should take care of on your own, and that you shouldn't divulge to your lady. Once she knows what dark thoughts are running through your mind, she may head for the door faster than you can say "gimp."

4. Your masturbation frequency

Women know that guys masturbate. It's a fact of life. But your woman doesn't need to know the frequency, duration and tools that you use to get off ‑- it might just pique her curiosity. A guy wants to be alone when he's playing with himself, and you don't need her trying to sneak up on you when you're having some "personal time."

3. Your ex-girlfriend memorabilia

You might have kept naked pictures of your exes. Maybe you've stashed away their love letters or their panties. Heck, you may have a whole database of their names and personal info in an Excel spreadsheet. Whatever the case, never let your current squeeze find out about your memorabilia. Even if she's willing to leave the past in the past, you can bet that she won't balk at dropping their names as ammo in future fights. For example: "I see then. I guess Melissa would have never done that, would she?" Get the picture? Besides, these are your private memories ‑- your new girl just doesn't need to know.

2. Your embarrassing moments

We've all had them. And I'm not just talking about light embarrassment, like farting in public or getting caught in a Freudian slip. I'm talking about severe, crippling embarrassment, on the scale of soiling the sheets or having an ex post an indecent picture of you online. If you've suffered this kind of monstrous humiliation, she should not get a whiff of it. The idea of it and the accompanying visual will surely blow your cool factor right out of the water, and leave your woman killing herself with laughter. It's not the best way to remain slick, and there's a good chance that she'll never look at you in the same light again. You've already lost your pride once over the incident; there's no need to relive the experience.

1. Your cheating past

Maybe you were just a conniving player back in the day. Or you might have had complicated issues with an ex that drove you into the arms of another woman. No matter what the reasons, no matter how strong your determination is to mend your ways and get a clean start with someone new, your cheating past is something that you never want to reveal to your lady. She'll automatically think that you're looking to score behind her back every chance you get, and you'll never get a fair shake from her again.

Honorable Mention: The dirt on your buds

Never dish the dirt about your buddies to your woman. What constitutes dirt? Well, think of it this way: Never tell your girls things about your pals that they wouldn't reveal to their own ladies ‑- for instance, the 10 things listed above. There are a couple of very good reasons underlying this. The first is that finking them out is a serious violation of the guy code. The second is that you don't want to implicate yourself by association: If you're always going on about how much time your buddy Dave spends at the peelers, she'll start to wonder how much time you spend there with him. Be a man, cover for your brothers, and you'll cover for yourself.

question: what's with egyptian men and their penis?

2006-09-17T15:14:00.000+03:00

i have been noticing something lately

egyptian men like to grab their penis in public

it's an image u see if u walk in any normal street in daylight,they just give their penis a little tug while they are walking
it's like they are making sure it's still there
that is the most disgusting thing i have ever noticed
and all kinds of people do it by the way,men in business suits do it,handy men,construction workers
and what i have noticed also is that they do it without thinking .it's a very subconscience move,it's like a muscle spasm where u just grab ur thing without giving it much attention,
my question is: they are "private parts",right?
why the hell do men do that?
all the great guys out there,please enlighten me,please

would you?

2006-05-08T22:30:00.000+03:00

if you meet someone and it's going great,he's becoming "the one" more and more every day,we have been together for one incredible month and now i feel trapped
you know why? I got a job offer
i got great a job offer that is compensating in every way,the down side is it's abroad
yeah,it will take a 5 hour flight for anyone to see me
i really dont mind being away from my parents,it's him i'm worried about
some will say it's too soon for me to feel that way but i dont,i love him and i dont want to leave him and i definitly wont pressure him to marry me or anything,it's not the right time for that at all. but now what?
do i go or do i forget about?
how do i tell him?what will he say?
the real question is if you love someone how much would you sacrifice for that person?
if you were me would you go?
get real and tell me WOULD YOU?

what the hell

2006-04-30T23:36:00.000+03:00

I have been wondering -since this is my first relationship to last more that a month- what so you do when you are kissing your signficant other and feel like he or ashe isnt a good kisser? do men accept criticism when it somes to their kissing or love making style?coz my boyfriend is the type who is in a hurry when we make out ,he is in such a hurry that i feel like it's a job that has to be done and that's it,i love him and i know that he loves me but i need to explain to him the concept of "going slow",so guys enlighten me,what the hell am i supposed to do?

interesting! 14 ways to kissing,all envlove saliva in some form,GREAT

2006-03-28T23:04:00.000+02:00

I'm just kidding in the title by the way,here's an article i came across recently,very interesting

1-the beginner's kiss
A simple meeting of the lips. Your lips may brush against each other or gently press together. Done with finesse, this can be a fantastic starting point. A variation of this is to "swirl" your lips slowly around your lover's. Relax, let go and allow your lips to roam over and around your lover's mouth -- real bliss with little effort.

2-the butterfly kiss

Using your eyelashes, gently flutter them across your lover's lips, eyelids, cheeks, neck and,
when kissing the breasts, on the nipples, too.

3. The Droplet
Try experimenting with this in the heat of passion. If you're on top of your lover and kissing passionately, withdraw your lips slightly from his and allow a few droplets of your saliva to drip gently into his mouth.

4. The Eastern Swirl and Poke

This may be applied to the lips or the body. Relax your lips and allow your tongue to swirl and poke. Alternating these swirling and poking sensations feels wonderful.

5. The good old French Kiss

With open mouths, your tongues gently probe and swirl against the delicate skin inside the mouth.

6. The Lover's Pass

When you want to pass something in a sensual way to your lover -- perhaps a piece of chocolate, fruit or ice -- simply hold it gently between your lips and allow your mouth to touch his. Then, using your tongue, push the item into his mouth.

7. The Lush Lap

More controlled than the Naughty Dog, this kiss still involves a lapping motion with your tongue, but is more contained and controlled, with your lips kept close to your lover's skin. With your lips parted, use a firm, slow lap of the tongue pressed to her (or his) flesh, lips or mouth. Again, this kiss puts you in control and feels incredibly sexy to a lover who likes to yield to your moves.
8. The Medieval Necklet

Said to be enjoyed by knights of the realm when medieval ladies wore low-cut necklines. Gently circle your lover's neck with a series of kisses, moving from the lower neck just behind the ear, around the breastbone and finishing back behind the other ear. Both men and women enjoy the slow circular pattern being traced along this delicate skin.

9. The Mediterranean Flick

Said to originate from Latin lovers who flicked little beads of sweat from their lover's body during long hot summers of passion. Using a gentle flick of the tongue, you cover your lover's lips, cheeks, neck -- in fact, anywhere you please -- with delicate little flicks. This is perfect for the nipples and around the belly button.

10. The Naughty Dog

A passionate, earthy kiss, particularly good for larger erogenous zones such as the neck, breasts, abdomen and inner thigh. Let your mouth open loosely and allow your tongue to relax and "lap" at your lover's body. This feels incredible when applied from the lower part of the breast up to the tip of the nipple -- the tongue just flicking the nipple as the "lapping" motion finishes.

11. The Sliding Kiss

The tongue moves gently back and forth or in and out. A perfect kiss, too, for gently "sliding" erotic food -- such as sauces and creams -- off your lover's body as your foreplay develops.

12. The Snake

Moving on from the Mediterranean "flick," allow your tongue to flick, lap, poke and generally imitate that of a snake. This can take place while French kissing but can also be used all over your lover's body. It feels fantastic moving up and down the shaft of the penis or outer labia.

13. The Stretch

When French kissing, stretch your tongue up to rub the roof of your lover's mouth. People rarely focus on this area, yet the sensations your tongue can create here can be quite explosive.

14. The Vacuum Kiss

Allow your lips to relax and encircle your partner's lips with your own. Apply a gentle sucking motion that pulls on the much-neglected outer rim of the lips. Release the vacuum seal and then reapply. You're taking control and your lover's lips will yield to yours. You may also apply the vacuum to a single lip -- upper or lower. Also use the vacuum on your lover's tongue during French kissing, which will feel like heaven. If you apply the vacuum more firmly to your partner's body it'll become a lovebite .

I'm not doing this to turn people on,it's just got me thinking that they use other people always use their minds even when it comes to sex,does it make them better at it of should we let our Instincts rule us? by the way i found some of them too disgusting?what do you think?

being perfect

2006-03-27T23:05:00.000+02:00

I'd really like to thank macdonalds,hardees and all the chocolate makers for the pounds I've gained,I'm - and many others - are victims of the the wrong egyptian lifestyle,we eat way too much and for the wrong reasons most of the times
I don't want this to be an essay,i hate giving advice coz I'm not wiser than anyone,I've suffered with my weight since I was a teenager,I've lost weight and gained it back again so many times that I'm actually fed up with my self,this time I'm not losing weight,I've decided to become healthy and guess what it's easy. i started eating more wisely and exercising regularly,and you know what it feels great but it isnt so hard
why am i sharing this?
ciz i wanna say to all the girls and guys out there who make fun of "fat" people,IT HURTS LIKE HELL
being fat is not a choice,it's a a circle of depression and emptiness that is so hard to get out off,if you think drug addiction is bad then try losing weight or living like a "fat" person
just please dont forget that no one is perfect EVER,even you are not perfect and you will never be .

actions and consequences

2006-03-11T23:33:00.000+02:00

did you ever get the feeling that life sometimes sends you someone who will affect you forever even though you'll only see him or her once,i do believe that,I met someone a couple of weeks ago,i thought he was funny,sweet and we had almost eveything in common BUT..... we started hanging out and he didn't want to be in a steady committed relationship EVER,he was hurt before and didn't feel like he could surrender himself to love again so he feels more comfortable now in a casual relationship where there are no feeelings,emotions,responsibilties or commitments. on the other hand ,I've had too many casual encountres that right now i feel as lonely as hell and want nothing but to be held for a minute when life treates me bad and someone to talk too and joke with no matter what is going on in my life or his. I don't know what's wrong with me but that guy touched me so much and made me realize that what we all do can affect us and other innocent people as well, i guess what I'm trying to say to everyone is ur actions do have consequences that can hurt others terribly,just think before you act please and to my perfect guy,could you please hurry up? I'm still waiting:-)

WE ARE SCREWED and no.. am not talking sex

2006-02-25T19:50:00.000+02:00

after researching it turns out there is no cure for the avian flu,tamiflu is not a guarnteed cure,and there is no vaccine for it either,the only way we can protect ourselves is by looking out for ourselves.

ps:even if tamiflu is important our beloved country just remembered to order it when the virus was first discovered in egypt,saudi arabia ordered it two months ago and it doesnt have the virus and oh.....i forgot to say egypt will only get 70,000 shots,that 's for 70,000 people so it's up to you to figure out who will end up getting the shots?and oh.... we will get them by the end of the year,that is 9 months from now,so if the virus mutates and gets the ability to infect people directly, WE ARE SCREWED.

now who will voulnteer to sing beladi beladi coz i wont....

ps: the whole water panic spreding in egypt lately tells me how much egyptians are ignorant.it's not the middle ages where we scoop up water from the nile and drink it directly,it goes through filtering stages first and if the nile just turned dangerous,a couple of years ago TWO MILLION DEAD BODIES were thrown in the nile in rwanda during the war over there,we would be dead by now if the water wasn't filtered,so my advice is: GET A F***ING BOOK AND STOP WATCHING VIDEO CLIPS TO GET SOME SORT OF MINDLESS FUN, and if you cant read,get an education while you are at it

sorry for the bitter sarcasm,some times i get frustratred at the way we are hitting the bottom without noticing

to the mozz

2006-02-21T21:55:00.000+02:00

after finishing my two posts i read what mr mozz has decided to do,i respect that but i have to say something

i talk about everything,about what i see and view everyday in my life ,i speak about what i know and feel,,i try to help people and i have been getting a lot of emails thanking me and mr mozz for trying to be honest about sex without looking to turn people on or attracting perverts,we area honest and we care,we try to push people to change things in thier private lives coz that will push them eventuallyto change things in all spects of their lives,i dont think you should give up ya mozz,you proved to many girls that all men arent perverts or porn freaks of disrespecting sexists,don't give up on that,keep caring about egypt but also keep saying what you sometimes want to talk about,don't give up

avian flu,hope this helps people

2006-02-21T21:42:00.000+02:00

ook.avian flu has arrived in egypt and working in the media field i can safely tell you some things about your beloved country,

1-we have had avian flu among poultry for 3 weeks at least not just last thursday,it was up to the political leaders to decide when is the right time to announce it
2- avian flu will not affect you unless you are working with live poulty coz the virus is transfered through air which will infect you if you sniff the blood or the excerments of poultry
3-tamiflu isn't the cure, it's just the strongest anti viral medicine (in other words anti biotic) there is
4-avian flu isn't just for chicken,it can infect ducks,geese,turkey and fowl in general so be careful with that part
5-chicken is ok to eat but only if boiled at least without the skin,geese and ducks are more dangerous coz they are more fatty and hold on alot stronger to the virus
6-eggs are dangerous if they are cooked at a temperature below 70 degrees,so don't eat cakes and pizzas,ask your mothers about food that includes add eggs to mixture but don't stop eating boiled eggs,they are ok if they are sujected to heat for at least 10 min.
my point here is,this needs using our brains that's all.life must move on with this thing,we just need to a be alittle more careful

and yeas our country is suffering but let's focus on getting through this first and then we'll disucuss what we should do or say later on

remember...life must and will go on,,just use your heads folks

AND THE WINNER IS......(still talking sex)

2006-02-21T21:19:00.000+02:00

ook.alot of things happened this week so i haven't been able to post anything

first of all,to socrates,i respect u alot coz i think you have something alot of us don't which is the ability to use ur mind with all that faces you,that's the greastest gift anyone has,i don't gurantee that it is useful in egypt on the short term but but it will on the long term so keep on being just like that,i hope i can meet someone who is open minded and honest like you someday and i hope we can be real friends,btw,am glad you noticed the ob\gyn joke,i was teasing you hoping you would notice that:-)

moving on....

my blog partner in crime spoke about the difference between fucking,having sex and making love

am not a guy so I'll take your word on the whole fucking a prostitue deal,on having sex just for the pure pleaseure of it,yeah i can alse see that but let me tell you what we girls think

fucking: unless we are whores, we don't do it
but when it comes to having sex and making love,the truth is we want both of them,sometimes we are in a mood where we concentrate on th epure carnal nature of sex but it has to be with someone we really love coz that's the only one we can reveal all our true deep fantasies to
we girls look at sex emotionally that's why making love always comes as our first choice (that's sweet tender sex where everything happens coz our partner loves us very much and wouldn't be for any one else and where sex is just for that intimate feeling of being one with our signficant other) but i do believe that making love is a mixture of emotions,sex and intimacy so my question is to guys and girls is if you had to choose between those people what would you choose

a) a great life partner who is your ultimate soul mate but he or she isn't that good in bed
b) a wonderful sex partner who would make a good husband(notice the my choice or words here)

when i get some answers i'll let all the newly weds or the sexually active people on some secrets for being a truly amazing lover (for both men and women)

ps:for the guy who asked about hiding my id the answer is simple:yes am open minded but i dont need all the perverts who would harress me day and night,that's just protecting my self which isn't being a coward,it's being smart

t c guys,see you soon

It's Valentine's again

2006-02-15T08:53:00.000+02:00

honestly what is up with the valentine's crap? obviously egyptian girls and guys think that it's ok for our lovers to treat us like crap as long as we get a gift on valentine's day,in the past week I've seen couples who have a doomed realtionship try to patch things up just for the sake of having a nice romantic outing (with a nice gift on valentine's),since when does that heart shaped chocolate make relationships better or since when do gifts mean what we really feel on the inside,forget the commercial crap for a second and think:wouldn't it be better to have an amazing relatinnship for the rest of our lives with 80 percent of it amazing and the other 20 percent of it to be hard or would you rather have an abusive doomed relationship where it's all about nice dates and pretending and lying as long as you get your birthday,anniversary and valentine's day gifts,am not bitter, i just feel that along the course of life we truly forget what's important coz you know what,valentine's day is only 24 hours but what about the other 8736 hours of the year?try to remember .did you feel loved and respected and truly desired in those hours,if you do have that then HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

the way sex all starts,phase number one

2006-02-12T13:19:00.000+02:00

i know i promised to talk about something else other than sex but hey,ana mashia wara ma yatloboh almostam3on

MASTURBATION

MR MOZZ decided to start our comparison of men and women on the subject of sex with the way sex started masturbation

ooook

most women do not masturbate as much and while men can be honest about it,women arent,so even if they do they won't say that to their friends of lovers

on the contrary to what all men think,we don't need to lose our virginty to masturbate,the female reprodution and sexual organs are more complicated than you think
and that pushes us to a VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT: VIRGINITY

you guys are cluless when it comes to the whole hymen issue (3'sha2 elbakara)

1-40% of girls will NOT bleed when they lose their hymen,it's not because they have had sex before or that their men aren't good enough,so guys when you get down to business with a virgin and she doesn't bleed don't hurry up to say she cheated on you because there is a big possibilty that she didn't.
there are other ways to find out if your partner is a virgin ,one of the accurate ways is that the canal that the penis penetrates is bumpy,it has like little matabat (if you dont know matabat take a walk in any egyptian street,you'll find one) when she has had intercourse ,those ones will be erased and smoothed out so be a little slow ans sensitive and you'll realize what i mean
2- 6 out of 10 girls will bleed when they have intercourse but guys beware,they will not BLEED RIVERS,it's more like tiny drops like the ones you get when you pierce your finger with a pin,most girls will bleed alot cause they werent lubricated enough before getting screwed which means they weren't horny enough

YES WE DO GET HORNY TOO,THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS WE DONT HAVE ANYTHING THAT STIFFENS
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MASTURBATION YA MOZZ

men come with semen, we only cum to make it easier for ourselves and our partners,it's more like oilling your bedroom door so it doesnt make noises,we need that oil or sex will be just a man jumping up and down and usually causing eternal injuries that if we don't mention the mental pain and humilliation for both sides,so the key is for a long time of foreplay,did you know that an average man needs 20 minutes to cum (orgasm) -am not talking about perverts who usually take 20 seconds lol- but a woman needs 45 minutes to orgasm,what i mean is we need more time and more foreplay,hope that helps guys,waiting for your next post ya mozz,and let me know what you think and guys am really welcome to all honest questions coz the biggest problems among egyptian men are porn and IGNORANCE,t c

A PROPOSAL,TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK GIRLS

2006-02-11T13:40:00.000+02:00

in my previous post,the mozz commented that i should write about what women want in sex andhe'll do the same,so am sugeesting that we'll do that but we'll also do that in refrence to love,so girls when you are making love to your lover what are things that have to be there,describe your sexual fantasy,and then I'll use that and extract what women want,it should be fun girls,keep posting, and hey mr mozz,we are ON,I ACCEPT YOUR REQUEST. BRING IT ON

PS:HIW OPINION WILL BE ON HIS BLOG: diary of an egyptian mozz

sex part two(am starting to sound like an R rated movie sequel:-)

2006-02-11T12:19:00.000+02:00

ook,last time it was porn and talking about sex,this time it's kissing,you see we women look at kissing as one of the important parts of the whole issues,it's the way we feel loved,wanted and desired,to men kissing is pretty much like the pre show we watch at the movie theatre,doesnt really matter but you have to go through it to get to the good parts,by the way i do love kissing,don't you girls? that very first kiss with all the tention and the agony it's amazing,so careful guys,we CARE about kissing,it's important so spend some time on it without your hands wandering to other places(you know what I Mean)

btw,NO,i'M NOT LOOKING FOR A FUCK AND IF I WANT IT it DON'T DO PERVERTS

ps:to jasche ,tell me what you want me to talk about and i will and tell what irritates you when it comes to discussing sex,thanks

next: what men really want(AND NO IT WONT BE ABOUT SEX THIS TIME),this is going to be a BLAST:-)

mama suzy we baba hosni

2006-02-11T11:37:00.001+02:00

MABROOK

WE WON PEOPLE,we suck as a team bas baraket do3a elwalden mohema bardo,the thing that was really sweet is mama suzan mubarak,she was really cheering for the team and when we won she kissed baba hosni TWICE,this has NEVER happened before,no egyptian president has ever kissed his wife before,i mean in public or.....?
i thought it was sweet coz at least now we know someone does love him:-)

anyway,I'm really happy for the winning even though we suck as a team but hey egypt can use some joy after all

take care,and tomorrow am going to discuss sex,part two

keep coming back
and send me things you want to talk about and I will talk about them

SEX,yup,I'm talking SEX

2006-02-07T09:46:00.000+02:00

yup,I'm that nuts and perverted and expecting lots of "lovely" comments, BUT i'M STLL TALKING SEX
ok,my favorite hobby is people watching,that's is watching people's behaviour on the streets and in public places, and I have noticed things that am sure our mozza would agree with me on them

1- egyptian males think about sex 95% of the time,food for one percent of the time,the other 4 precent are divided between work-if they can find any- and friends and family and our very encourging successful egyptian football teams.

the question here with all those who would agree with me is what exactly do they think about when it comes to sex?

well. porn,porn.porn and more porn

you know what i think about porn, IT SUCKS no pun intended:-)
coz i believe guys grow up thinking porn represents real life sex whuch it isn't,those films take days to make,it's acting people hence the name "films". guys would think their wives\girlfriends would do all the weird positions and the beatings and the dirty language,the truth is at rare times we wouldn't mind but most of the time sexual intercourse isn't about that at all,it's about two people who love each other and are satisfying each other beacuse they love each other not the other way around

you know the last boyfriend i broke up with,he said that he fell for me coz u didn't mind talking about sex but when i didn't do it with him he said that if girls talk about sex they are doing it,that's the rule for guys,watch out ladies,if we are talking about it we are whores ,if we are ignorant,boring ,cold and reserved in bed we are bad wives,so we are not winning either way,there's no way around that,if we lie and say we are clueless about sex then they realize we actually know things and do things then we are lying whores who lied their way into sacred marriage and at that point the guy would probably believe that the wife was an all around cock sucker who slept with anything that had a penis,no guys we are not,we just talk and discuss sex freely with each other (i mean women) coz we are totally comfortable with discussing our emotions,we like to learn coz we know someday we will be having sex out of love and we want our lovers to be the most satisfied men on earth, we learn how to please you coz we love you,so the truth is we are guilty of wanting ti be the perfect lovers,now i can see why we are bad people:-) can you?

to be continued.... (coz i'm very close to getting fired)

so I'm sick

2006-02-04T14:20:00.000+02:00

yup,one of the beauties of leading the amazing egyptian life style is sickness,you see,between junk food,pollution,sheisha,lack of sports ,u poor body has no other chice bit to actually come down with anything and everything at any time. and because am trying to change my life style it's rebelling against me even harder,so this year's featured health project is TEETH
I've just discovered that I don't have one or two or three cavities but THIRTEEN,and the fun part is the maintenance,coz as it turns out (fi oroba wal dowal almotakadema)life doesn't end after leaving the dentist,you have to brush your teeth 3 times aday,i know this may come as a shock to people who don't brush their teeth aslan but it's true people,sadly it's true

wthat else is up other than the sad state of my teeth,not much except that I have a date with a very nice,fun playboy in a week,that should be fun,I'll tell you all about it later

welcome people

2006-01-31T11:24:00.000+02:00

Ok,I have to say a few things first (3ashan nebtdi 3ala maya beda)

1-why am i doing this?

-coz i was very unfortunate to be brought up in a household that encourged me to use my faith first and my brain second which is a method proved to be a success in the arms of my family but a huge failure everywhere else in egypt,and since i love my country and have no intention of leaving it to another country where i wash dishes all my life to end up with a forign passport to discover i haven't lived at all ,I have decided to Talk,maybe with the purpose to think I'm not alone in this,that there other young women (I'm 21 by the way) that are feeling frustrated by there inability to shine,to be truly happy,to be truly comfortable in their own skin

2-what do i plan to talk about?
- everything that i face everyday from happy things to huge frustrations. and as i said in my profile,no it's not going to be dark and gloomy coz i truly believe you can transform your own life into what ever you want it to be, but feel free to comment on anything or to say WHATEVER you want to say

but i do have to say one special thing,when i said "my faith" i meant that yes i do believe in god and follow him all the way (isa)but this isn't dedicated to breaching the words of amr khaled and the likes of him,it's not my thing besides i think you get enough of that on tv and in newspapers,public transportation and everywhere that has oxygen and carbon dioxide (for all of you who graduated thanwya 3ama adabi and that includes me i mean "air" and for further information check your younger brother's 3rd grade scince book)

the most important question that-i guess- is on your minds is.....

who the hell am i?

am a 21 year old,a virgin (am saying this coz i dont need all those perverts out there to offer to fuck me,no thanks) I work in a very nice job that kills a part of me everyday coz i cant be creative,a job that is very well established and very respectable,most people even think i dont deserve it (we 7war eni da7'la belwasta which is partly true but that's another story that i will openly discuss later,just remind me dear reader)
am over weight, i've had a lot of issues about it but I'm working on it and I've made my peace with it and began to ditch fad and crash diets to actually transform my self into a better person phyiscally and emotionally
I'll be tracking my weight loss journey so also feel free to post your thoughts on that, i know alot of egyptian girls can relate to that issue and since I've become an expert on that matter after years of studying please share your experience with body image issues and ask any questions too

guess that's enough for today,coz I'm doing this from work :-)