When you are sorry for being sorry

I am sorry for the way things went...for the what I said

for what I have done.

for being the friend when I should have been the lover.

for being the lover when I should have been the friend.

for being upset when u I should not have been.

for not being upset when I clearly should have.

for crying in your arms when I should have walked away.

for loving you when I should have left.

for allowing strike one,two,three and four.

for allowing you to fail in front of my eyes.

for respecting and honoring things you never honored.

for having faith.

for having hope.

for dreaming.

I apologize for words said,emotions conveyed, and intimacies created.

I am sorry for sticking up for you when I should have turned away.

I apologize for what I was and for what I became.

I apologize for every touch,smile and heartflutter.

I apologize for the secrets I kept for you

I apologize for being the safe haven,your shelter from the storms.

I apologize for braving storms for you even when I was as fragile as a tiny twig.

I apologize for me being me and you being you.

I am sorry for being sorry for someone you should never be sorry for.

I apologize and I rest my case.A lost one.My very first losing case.

I am sorry but I will stop apologizing.

sorry

Alone In crowds

am psychic..so when I saw a dream one night that was enacted down to its smallest detail the very next day...I had to freak out.

and when I freak out I do what I have been doing since forever.I run away to my grandmother's grave.Every one around me including my parents does not get what is with me and graveyards.I find it peaceful and soothing.

I ran away to my grandmother's grave today.

when I was there I ran into a distant relative of her who is at least 95 years old. she's a sweet old lady who approached me while visiting another grave in the yard (it's a BIG family).

the ironic thing was that she approached me because she thought I was grandma.

It took me almost 40 minutes to explain that my nana had died 11 years ago and that I was the granddaughter.

by that time she was giving orders to the driver to take us to the" house".though I don't think it counts as kidnapping. I called my mother who confirmed that this lady is actually a relative. and mum wished my luck. she actually said "it's exactly what you need."

anyways...I blab too much...hang in there.

every worry faded away when I saw the "house". it's that old house in the middle of "sayda zeinab".the street is an unbelievably crowded street with mobile phone outlets and everything. then I walked in holding her hand and I swear that my heart stood still for a second.I was here before,was I?I saw old times. I saw lives evolving. I saw hearts breaking and mending.people born and people gone. I saw my grandmother being wed to my grandfather almost 70 years ago.

I saw happiness and sadness and I saw life in its purest form.And I was still sad. I was more angry at myself for failing to be grateful for who I am at the age of 23.

Aunt Zahra - as I had learned from Mum - was my grandmother's cousin and best friend growing up.they had both been married at the same month. but then Aunt Zahra had traveled somewhere with the husband and they only reconnected in the final five years before my grandmother's death.

between the beautiful smells of cloves and cinnamon and the hard wood floors that smelt of old time and memories. she brought me the gift of a lifetime.she gave me a root to my existance.Amidst decaying yellow pictures.I saw that she wasn't an aging old woman after all.I look exactly like my grandmother , we even both have the same sense of humor - according to zahra-.

I sat and listened and couldn't believe it. she knew,she knew I would have a hard life and she died feeling helpless for she would never protect me.

Aunt zahra said that my grandmother knew the first time that she held me that I was psychic for she was too. she saw that I would suffer many heartbreaks and disappointments. That I would always "be alone in crowds".

in the middle of all the pictures I saw a picture of myself as a one day old baby.on the back grandma wrote in english "see zahra,ma belle radwa ,her sweetness,what I feared came true and and she's more sweet then I had hoped for."

aunt zahra refused willingly to explain..she put her hands on mine and said "you have her strength and her smile,what else could you need? you would never sleep tight until you accept who you are.why the urge to change?"

four hours later I left..went home and regretted every single minute I lost.I regretted every Gut feeling that I ignored.I regretted every sign I saw. Every card I read and pretended I didn't know. every dream I had.every tear I shed. every smile I wasted.

I regretted the fact that grandma is right.I am alone in crowds.

daddy broke his little girl's heart

worst day ever (so bad i wont even bitch about it)

do u know when u feel a certain thing about a certain someone and feel a very close bond but then u feel life is sucked out of u because of the smallest thing that this person does and cant help but feel frustrated and angry and hurt even though u dont want to.

this is what am feeling now, i met someone that i knew would change my life even without being a part of it.... but that person did a little thing that i know was their right and it hurt me a little,that person didnt break my heart,i broke it myself when i allowed my stupid pride to be affected,so what? fuck pride,right? no really FUCK IT.

my mind says pride is not always an issue,but mine hurts now like a little girl who did nothing and still got a little slap on the hand from her daddy who thought she stole the cookies from the jar,he slaps her coz he had a bad day in the office and deep down he knows that it probably wasnt her and that cookies arent a big deal but daddy still broke his little girl's heart..hell,am i making any sense?

mmmm,ah,well,i handled it pretty well,i think:-(

so what? how many of us can honestly say they will be all casual and cool and uninterested and swave when they see their very first love? i wont pretend that for a sec because am not. i was terribly shaken to the core when i hard his voice regardless of all the drama and the trauma and the shit, i guess feeling dont die,they are just swept under the rug and heyyyyyy....... i did ask him not to call again and i refused to see him.i ate chocolate today for the very first time in a month,i deserve the little treat,i did very good for a 22 year old single egyptian woman,thank u very much

over and out

chance encounters:when karma is a true B****

i have one of the cool "golden" mobile phone numbers.it's cool,i admilt it but it has its ugly side coz when i say to a guy "lose my number" chances are he never will,coz let's face it,he can erase i from his phone but he will always remember it. so anyway,am sitting at my stupid useless worthless work,doing my thing when my phone rings"my ringtone is my favorite song of all time:micheal buble's save the last dance for me" i see a weird number giving me one of those ugly unheardable missed calls where the caller is so cheap and scared of paying for a minute that the phone just lights up before u can even answer it he or she hangs up.

and THAT pisses me off more than anything,i gather my nervers.get to the smoking lounge(it's a little garden so am sure no one can hear me if i choose to speak french-if u know what i mean-)

i dial the number that called and boom,a familiar voice answers,my very first true love(yes i admit it,he was an ass,but still awwwwwe) so any way i say "it's u" and he says "and it 's u"

u know when u find urself forgetting all the shit and talking for almost an hour about nice memories and catching up on life matters.,i had one of those conversations.

AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT

(to be continued,too pissed off)

an open relationship

no questions asked,i dont like my job

it doesn't make me happy

so i applied for a couple more and got a call back for an interview

the guy"future manager if i took the job" is a very handsome slick thirty something year old guy,i have to say he is good at what he does(work wise at least) but then in the middle of the conversation he says"oh,u have a mole on ur left cheek"

me: blank exprssion

him: that's a sign of intelligence and creativity

me: (thinking) since when?

him: oh,u dont know that?

all the time am thinking,what the hell does that have to do with the freakin job?

so anyway,i come back for a second interview knowing that he wont be my direct manager and while we are chatting i discover he has been to school with my best friend,naturally he picks up the phone,dials her number and says all the blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh about me being there and that the three of us should go out for coffee today,my best friends agrees (to be fair,she didnt know that i hated the guy's guts)

so she arrives at the office in 30 min.and we go to a nearby cafe

- i know am blabbering but hang in there-

we talk about crap till i gather the nerves to ask him "are u single or seeing someone?"

and he says "in an open relationship"

me:"ha?"

him: "u know,i have a girlfriend and i love her in a way and she too but we are not exclusive,i see other people and so she is but she doesnt have the right to sleep around u know,that part is for me"

ok ok ok,i tried my best not to slap him until i get to the bottom of this

so my best friend asks: we dont understand,r u in a relationship or not?

him: we are.it's just not a typical relationship.

me: so u sleep with whomever u want and she cant. but she "sees" other people if she wants,u mean she dates others?

him: if u choose to put it that way.but it's deeper than that.

me: i dont see the depth

the end

after him leaving (thank god)

i ask my best friend about that statement and she says she hears about it all the time,am sure it's all my fault coz where i live in mars there are no relationships,just red earth

i believe that relationships are all about two things :responsiblites and rights

if u do one u get the other,in an "open relationship" the guy gets all the rights of a boyfriend without any of the responsiblities,for a guy,that's perfection,no more jealousy or seriousness or when are u meeting my parents or am pmsing and need attention or i have a problem at work and need u,just a plain booty call relationship if u may

my only problem is: call it what u will,just dont call it a relationship: please

btw,i didnt take the job?: guess why ???

deserve ? what is that?

huh.mmm,well.............. (looks around)

what is deserve again?

dont get me wrong, i do not have self esteem issues,i know what am worth,am just in a state of life where i literally lost track of who i am.i dont mind that,i really dont,i reached a point where i stooped and am looking around for who I am ,what i want and the way to get there.

when amre said "go out and look for what u deserve"

i freezed for a moment,because that's the problem,am not sure of who I am and he is asking me not to only know who i am but to go get what i deserve as a person,here's the thing..... i dont know

i just dont know..all i know is am always out,always talking and always working but am i doing or becoming what i want...............hmmmm

(to be continued,busy finding self)