mmmm,ah,well,i handled it pretty well,i think:-(

so what? how many of us can honestly say they will be all casual and cool and uninterested and swave when they see their very first love? i wont pretend that for a sec because am not. i was terribly shaken to the core when i hard his voice regardless of all the drama and the trauma and the shit, i guess feeling dont die,they are just swept under the rug and heyyyyyy....... i did ask him not to call again and i refused to see him.i ate chocolate today for the very first time in a month,i deserve the little treat,i did very good for a 22 year old single egyptian woman,thank u very much

over and out

chance encounters:when karma is a true B****

i have one of the cool "golden" mobile phone numbers.it's cool,i admilt it but it has its ugly side coz when i say to a guy "lose my number" chances are he never will,coz let's face it,he can erase i from his phone but he will always remember it. so anyway,am sitting at my stupid useless worthless work,doing my thing when my phone rings"my ringtone is my favorite song of all time:micheal buble's save the last dance for me" i see a weird number giving me one of those ugly unheardable missed calls where the caller is so cheap and scared of paying for a minute that the phone just lights up before u can even answer it he or she hangs up.

and THAT pisses me off more than anything,i gather my nervers.get to the smoking lounge(it's a little garden so am sure no one can hear me if i choose to speak french-if u know what i mean-)

i dial the number that called and boom,a familiar voice answers,my very first true love(yes i admit it,he was an ass,but still awwwwwe) so any way i say "it's u" and he says "and it 's u"

u know when u find urself forgetting all the shit and talking for almost an hour about nice memories and catching up on life matters.,i had one of those conversations.

AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT

(to be continued,too pissed off)

an open relationship

no questions asked,i dont like my job

it doesn't make me happy

so i applied for a couple more and got a call back for an interview

the guy"future manager if i took the job" is a very handsome slick thirty something year old guy,i have to say he is good at what he does(work wise at least) but then in the middle of the conversation he says"oh,u have a mole on ur left cheek"

me: blank exprssion

him: that's a sign of intelligence and creativity

me: (thinking) since when?

him: oh,u dont know that?

all the time am thinking,what the hell does that have to do with the freakin job?

so anyway,i come back for a second interview knowing that he wont be my direct manager and while we are chatting i discover he has been to school with my best friend,naturally he picks up the phone,dials her number and says all the blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh about me being there and that the three of us should go out for coffee today,my best friends agrees (to be fair,she didnt know that i hated the guy's guts)

so she arrives at the office in 30 min.and we go to a nearby cafe

- i know am blabbering but hang in there-

we talk about crap till i gather the nerves to ask him "are u single or seeing someone?"

and he says "in an open relationship"

me:"ha?"

him: "u know,i have a girlfriend and i love her in a way and she too but we are not exclusive,i see other people and so she is but she doesnt have the right to sleep around u know,that part is for me"

ok ok ok,i tried my best not to slap him until i get to the bottom of this

so my best friend asks: we dont understand,r u in a relationship or not?

him: we are.it's just not a typical relationship.

me: so u sleep with whomever u want and she cant. but she "sees" other people if she wants,u mean she dates others?

him: if u choose to put it that way.but it's deeper than that.

me: i dont see the depth

the end

after him leaving (thank god)

i ask my best friend about that statement and she says she hears about it all the time,am sure it's all my fault coz where i live in mars there are no relationships,just red earth

i believe that relationships are all about two things :responsiblites and rights

if u do one u get the other,in an "open relationship" the guy gets all the rights of a boyfriend without any of the responsiblities,for a guy,that's perfection,no more jealousy or seriousness or when are u meeting my parents or am pmsing and need attention or i have a problem at work and need u,just a plain booty call relationship if u may

my only problem is: call it what u will,just dont call it a relationship: please

btw,i didnt take the job?: guess why ???

deserve ? what is that?

huh.mmm,well.............. (looks around)

what is deserve again?

dont get me wrong, i do not have self esteem issues,i know what am worth,am just in a state of life where i literally lost track of who i am.i dont mind that,i really dont,i reached a point where i stooped and am looking around for who I am ,what i want and the way to get there.

when amre said "go out and look for what u deserve"

i freezed for a moment,because that's the problem,am not sure of who I am and he is asking me not to only know who i am but to go get what i deserve as a person,here's the thing..... i dont know

i just dont know..all i know is am always out,always talking and always working but am i doing or becoming what i want...............hmmmm

(to be continued,busy finding self)

my 100 percent

so i have 3 hair dressers ,not 1 ,not 2 ,THREE,one is for cutting my hair and getting it done on special occasions or whenever am in mohandsine(i live in maadi) and the 2nd is this really old guy who blow dries my hair wheneve am in a hurry or not in the mood for making a fuss and the third one is a female hair dresser who owns her own shop in maadi,she's cool,gives me great hair if i want to go out on a normal day or something,

i was going out with friends yesterday so i went to her first,so we are gossiping as usual when she tells me something

she says: "you know the theory of 100 percent ,right?"

big blank on my face

she says: "u know,god gives each one of us a full 100 percent,compiled from luck,money,beauty ,love and intelligence.it's just that they are not given in equal portions,so no one is happy fully but at least they get a piece of eveything".

so i ask her "u have known me for almost 2 years now,how do u think my 100 percent is compiled ? "

long pause,hair blower stops.......

finally

"u have 40 percent beauty and wit,30 percent smartness and money,20 percent love from from ur family and friends and the other 10 percent is ur sense of humor" and i asked

"mmm,what about luck?" and she looks at me in the mirror

and says"to be honest i dont think u have any,i have more than a thousand women who come to me for getting beautiful and u r the only one who never complains or bothers about her skin or her body or hair,it's because u r trully beautiful from the inside and out,honey.... u have no luck and i dont think u should mind that,no one gets 100 percent from equal 20 percents,i can introduce u to many women who would give anything to be u,be thankful and dont change,luck is the only thing u cant work hard at getting, i know for a fact u will end up with someone who dont deserve half the princess u are,my advice to u,dont feel bad,just use that smartness god gave u and choose the best out of the worse"

great,i dont have the only thing i cant earn,but I'm thankful for what god gave me,even if i know that i may not get to be held by a man who trully loves me and feels pride of being my man,i dont mind growing alone,i just hate the look of diappointment when my parents read the same prophecy into my eyes,i hate breaking their hearts but there is nothing i can do ,i have had my 100 percent regardless of what is in them,i have had them and i am thankful and silent.

over and out

a blessing in disguise

i ventured out of my shell this week,i went crazy and decided to take my best friend to alexandria for the week end

we both needed,i am stressed coz of my long time illness (which i wont discuss) and coz of needing to heal emotionally and of needing to leave my toxic job

she needed coz she just broke up with a bf and just left her work so u can see we made the perfect company together

we planned on wednesday and left thursday morning in her car

alot of things happened,and not all of them were good but int hose two days i learned alot about my self and about my best friend......

i learned there is something about me that inspires sex,dont know how and why,i dont even consider myself sexy and i definitly dont dress provocativly but obviously there is something,what i learned was it is not something i want to change coz basically it's not my fault,why change something u didnt do,and am not even going to feel guilty anymore for men's shortcomings and misconceptions when it comes to sex

i also realized am way too sweet and i care way too much about other people's feeling forgetting my own

i have also realized that whenever god closed a door in my face he ALWAYS opened another one for me.i just never looked around.

when i was going through my past hurtful relationship i was so pissed off and hurt that i disregraded the fact that i just met her "that best friend" and believe me,she turned out to be perfect for me in every way,we finish each other sentences (which is hilarious at most times) and she doesnt mind when we fight to the extent of F words obly to laugh two minutes later and hug and kiss,

what really makes her what she is for me is the fact that she would never sell me out for fun or men,she would much rather drive around with me talking about nothing then going out with cute men and flirt,

she wouldnt mind hugging me tight and rocking me to sleep when am in so much pain "from the illness i wouldnt talk about"

she wouldnt mind losing 2 hours to get me showered and dressed up to the point of blow- drying my hair so that she could take me out at 3 am for a bit of night fun in alex,she wouldnt mind spending time with friends of mine i know she hates because she thought it would make me happy

dearest friend,u r trully my blessing in disguise and i appreciate u more and more every day, u have been my truly shining star even in the brightest of mornings,thank u for being u.